When Will Jesus Bring The Doughnuts?
Just thought I’d give y’all a little update. I had reams of wild and woolly dreams last night, none of which I can presently remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure there was a giant sandwich involved in one of them.
Been doing a lot of musing and introspection lately, and let me tell you this; it totally blows donkey balls at 400 psi. I need to stop asking my patients to do this, it’s totally gnarly. Anycarbs, I realized last night that my problematic relationship with food probably began at a very young age, when I attended St. Patrick’s Church. The math went something like so:
GO TO CHURCH + DOUGHNUTS AFTERWARD = ETERNAL SALVATION
Does that sound right to you? I think I’m missing some kind of metaphysical denominator here, like “NUMBER OF SPRINKLES” or maybe “YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL!”.
Also: there is a poker cue jabbing me rather impertinently in the back of my brains at the moment. How to fix besides a trip to Dunkin Donuts? Please advise.
Adventures In Methane
I’m back on the Elimination Diet wagon, all old-timey like. This is Day Four. My last coherent memory has to do with chopping raw vegetables and drinking some kind of shake that tasted nothing like a bacon martini. Nothing. Like.
The hardest part so far has been withdrawing from caffeine, and it’s only been like 4 hours. Ok, that’s a lie - I’m drinking some stealthy black tea right now. Anyway, it sucks because it makes my eyeballs feel very bulgey. Bulgy. Bugly.
In preparation for downing 4 to 5 of the aforementioned scrumptious shakes per day in order to cleanse my sinful, dirty innards, I’ve been eating lots of veggies, fruits and legumes, and drinking lots of water. And farting in three-part harmony. And dissociating from reality in fun ways. To wit: this morning I found myself up early and then vacuuming, laundering, dog-walking and inexplicably making beef jerky in a food dehydrator*. I’m not sure what all this means because I should definitely be working on treatment plan updates instead of engaging in these Ding-inappropriate behaviors, but because I can’t really remember where I left my DSM-IVR I just gotta keep it real. Thusly. Bugly.
Why am I putting myself through this kind of recockulous fuckery? I’m making a list because The Beyoncé and I live across the street from a goddamned Coldstone Creamery and this makes it hard to focus on other things. No joke.
- I wanna be able to fit my voluptuous calves into supercute magenta ski boots next season.
- My aunt is a breast cancer survivor and reducing my body fat will improve my chances of not getting it.
- Eating more green stuff is good for staving off Alzeheimer’s Disease.
- I want a pair of those fancy 7even jeans in the worst way, and they only go up to a 12. Bastards.
- My allergy symptoms will get lots better.
- Having more energy and sleeping great is nice.
- My symptoms of PCOS and endometriosis will lessen considerably.
- I want to be able to perform a lot of ninja-style moves on the dancefloor.
- My thyroid function might improve.
- I think gallivanting about town surrounded by a giant green methane cloud is sexy.
I think that’s enough.
Ed. Note: I forgot to include the * thingy. * means that I actually own a real, 3-D food dehydrator and that I wasn’t referring to something related to the hot winds emanating from my hind end. Just so we’re clear.
Firing Your Boss
Dearest darlingest Dingers, Dingerites and uh Dinguses.
Dr. Ding has had teh drama lately. As some of you may know, I fired my old employer in May 2008, got a new job and then fired said new employer. In the meantime I applied for a longshot “dream” job back in Denver, got it, and after much consternation turned it down because it didn’t pay what my services are worth. I now have an entirely new job. Seems I’m living the Buddhist blessing-curse of “May you live in interesting times” here lately in regards to work.
This post was inspired by a recent discussion with JJ4TLR here in Houston where she talked about being accountable for one’s gifts and about accepting responsibility for maintaining one’s prosperity. Check out this article for more on that notion.
Back 10 years ago when I was but a fledgling shrinklet, I would undercharge for my services, thinking myself lucky just to have the bidness. Not so anymore. I’m no longer willing to accept anything less than what my services are worth, period. That doesn’t mean I won’t do some pro-bono work or that I won’t occasionally donate my time to provide inservice trainings to agencies with true needs; in fact I do both. But I no longer undercut myself financially due to a continual existential mood of spiritual inadequacy, feeling like “I owe” everyone somehow.
Nor do I suffer fools anymore, gladly or otherwise. If someone can’t communicate in an upfront, timely, and respectful manner with me within the first week of the job, then they’re sure as helly helle not going to be able to do so later on. A work relationship is like any other relationship in that regard, and it’s important to establish mutually beneficial communication patterns and boundaries early on, because they’re only going to worsen with time if left unattended.
I’m getting to the point where I regard not just job interviews but also employment itself as a two-way partnership street: you have the right to terminate me if you see fit, but the same applies for me. If you as my employer aren’t meeting my needs, expectations and plans after I’ve made them abundantly clear, then your ass is politely fired. It’s not quite the same as quitting because it comes from a sense of empowerment. Firing one’s employer feels very different — it feels MUCH better than quitting. Trust.
Today marks the festival of Lugh, Celtic sun god. It’s traditionally a time of celebrating the first harvest, dancing around bonfires, and, strangely, horse-racing. Dr. Ding has never been very good at any sort of organized religion, whether mainstream or pagan or Buddhist, but I like Lughnasadh because a) you don’t have to wear pants* if you don’t want to and b) no one’s going to look at you funny, even if, say, you would happen to comically singe your naked buttcheeks jumping over a bonfire. Sure they’d laugh, but there would be absolutely zero funny looks.
To celebrate my new job (which I forgot to mention) and in honor of the holiday, I’m embarking today upon a marathon of Hulu.com crime drama-watching, diet Pepsi-drinking, and generally reposing on my benefice.
*Some would call this “pantsless” but I prefer the less pejorative term of “pants-free” or even the French “sans britches“. It’s a well-known fact that italicizing makes stuff French.
When Lightworking Isn’t Enough
Yeah, I said it.
First off, what the hell is Lightworking? Lightworking is considered a New Age concept and involves engaging meaningfully in positively transforming, expanding, and/or uplifting work where the intent is to better the universal consciousness through service. It entails a lot of clarifying of intention as well thoughts in general, consciously directing one’s energies and actions in a positive manner, and, well, some kind of non-sarcastic faith in something greater than yourself.
[For some really interesting and practical articles, see Steve Pavlina’s stuff online, or check out anything written by Doreen Virtue, Ph.D, or alternately you could sashay your hipster ass to your local bookstore and just kinda bumble around in the New Age section while trying to not let people see you, lest they think you hold out some kind of really uncool, totally non-ironic hope for humanity.
In truth, what we now refer to as Lightworking has been around for aeons. Case in point — neolithic peoples had shamans whose main responsibility was to connect the rest of the tribe to the Unseen Worlds for the higher and greater good of all. Why, even many longstanding organized mainstream religions contain elements of Lightwork. Imagine that. Lightworking can also be viewed simply as trying to act in a manner true to one’s essential nature as a being born of inherent divinity, light and good.
Betcha thought I was going to talk about “fuckery” and “kicking Dr. Phil’s ass” today, dintcha?
Ole Dr. Dingge E. Dingg likes to mix it up. I think I’m going to do a few Drunken Monkey kung-fu moves just to celebrate. That’s better.
Sometimes Lightworkers get into trouble when they encounter beings of, shall we say, less than such singular or positive intention. Such beings include: mean people, unspeakable monsters* and their ilk, overweening narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, and anything with the word “douche” or “asshat” attached. I think that about covers it.
My saintly old Gradual School advisor once told me “Ding, sometimes it’s really important to know how to intimidate people.” This, of course, freaked my lil pie-eyed, idealistic Universal Caretaker self right out and right into some excessively chunky shoes, a sweater vest that I won’t admit to owning but rather borrowing, a carton of mentholated Marboros, and this haircut, but that’s a story for another day.
I’ve met a lot of lightworking folk in the last year who could use a dose of protection from the Dark Side Of The Force’s minions. Luckily I’ve got Evil Manservant Jeebes to fight my battles for me. And if you’ll recall, EMJ is actually mostly all about this. If you’re too lazy to click, here I am quoting my own vainglorious ass in all its vain and assy glory.
Everyone should have an Evil Manservant. Either that, or everyone should personify all undesirable aspects of his/her psyche into a sneering, awkwardly formal yet diabolical valet.
Words to live by, people. Words to live by.
By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself What the hell is Dr. Ding on about? Or maybe Is she smoking the crack cocaines? Maybe she really is a lucite-heeled poledancer down at the biweekly Sons of Hermann Krackenkokainefest after all? Huh.
So stay tuned for our next exciting episode, where all shall be revealed. Next up: Self Improvement DIY: How To Make Your Very Own Intrapsychic Sith Lord For Fun And Profit.
*Cthulhu, mostly. I gotta admit, the rest of them have their moments.
Image
Ladiez: Watch Out For that F-16 In Your Pants
A Friend Of Ding sent this to me earlier today. No idea if it’s real of not. But it’s funny.
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from �the
curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in th e Feminine-Hy giene Division, you’ve no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the
local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
ther e will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, f or I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
2007 Reflections, 2008 Dreams
Dr. Ding never was too good at New Year’s resolutions; I make them all backwards and counterintuitive-like.
Dr. Ding once made a resolution to eat a LOT more chocolate, and well looky looky…it’s good for you now! Cause and effect, to be sure.
Superheroine JeAnne posted this very clever set of questions from which I’m cribbing here. Rock on, girl.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you had never done before? - Took two cruises with a very dear friend. Swam with dolphins, a lifelong dream. Went to a conference in Laguna Beach. Started blogging in earnest. Joined Twitter and learned everyone goes out a LOT more than I do.
2. What countries did you visit? - Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman Island, California.
3. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? - More free time. More naps. Getting back into sitting meditation. Regular workouts. More dates with The Beyonce. A truly stellar blog logo. Dingish t-shirts on sale in CafePress.
4. What was your biggest achievement of the year? - Tie: 1) Started investing money. 2) Completed 20 miles of the Avon Walk in Chicago, June 2007.
5. Did you suffer any illness or injury? - Couple bouts of flu. Epicondylitis. Racked my left Achilles. Two vein surgeries. Ew.
6. What was the best thing you bought? — Anything on Etsy, especially Surlyramics’ stuff. A Dremel set for The Beyonce. Memory-foam mattress topper.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? - Happier, but tireder.
8. Did you fall in love in 2007? -- It seems like every other week I find out something entirely new and absolutely wonderful about The Beyonce. Despite his peculiar insistence on keeping the kitchen counters neat and clean, I remain In Love with him. I can’t help it. He heals me. Well, that and he’s a stone fox.
9. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? — Vintage 1987 drag queen-meets-former-GothPunk shitkicker, quietly supported by nerd glasses and Ex Officio underpants, and a team of Etsy.com artisans. Plus several pair of sweats from Target, black Uggs, and a penchant for t-shirts from The Mill and The Salt Dogs.
10. What do you wish you’d done more of? What didn’t you get in 2007 that you want for 2008? - I wish I’d gone back to the gym after my 2 surgeries, because now I’m very out of the habit. In 2008, I have the following goals and objectives:
1) Get married. To The Beyonce. In a FIERCE wedding dress. Not sure yet what rhymes with husband.
2) Figure out what rhymes with husband.
3) Plan a trip to Tibet, to take place within the next few years. I’ll be going with Dr. Kat and anyone else who dares accompany us.
4) Get up every day at 6 a.m. to meditate, pray to The Inner Silver Go-Go Boots of GirlJesus, do a lil’ yoga, walk.
5) Remain injury-free when I get back to weight lifting this Spring, and further, if I do get injured, find a neon-pink sparkly cold pack so that the whole experience is more festive.
6) Finish writing Drag Queens From Outer Space! Or: How I Learned To Love Managed Care™
7) Have a costume party for Halloween like I did back in the 1990s where everyone has to (more…)
- https://progresivamente.org/
- https://www.riaeduca.org/
- https://www.onbelaycounseling.com/
- https://www.bearwilliamsmusic.com/
- https://www.rajhanstilespvtltd.com/
- https://ascuri.org/
- https://www.atelp.org/
- https://fuhrmannheatingtv.com/
- https://www.nmptap.org/
- https://askdrding.com/
- https://thekingsheadhouse.com/
- https://www.karadefrias.com/
- https://www.andros-hotels.com/
- https://www.lebanonecomovement.org/
- https://ohdsichina.org/