Adventures In Methane
I’m back on the Elimination Diet wagon, all old-timey like. This is Day Four. My last coherent memory has to do with chopping raw vegetables and drinking some kind of shake that tasted nothing like a bacon martini. Nothing. Like.
The hardest part so far has been withdrawing from caffeine, and it’s only been like 4 hours. Ok, that’s a lie - I’m drinking some stealthy black tea right now. Anyway, it sucks because it makes my eyeballs feel very bulgey. Bulgy. Bugly.
In preparation for downing 4 to 5 of the aforementioned scrumptious shakes per day in order to cleanse my sinful, dirty innards, I’ve been eating lots of veggies, fruits and legumes, and drinking lots of water. And farting in three-part harmony. And dissociating from reality in fun ways. To wit: this morning I found myself up early and then vacuuming, laundering, dog-walking and inexplicably making beef jerky in a food dehydrator*. I’m not sure what all this means because I should definitely be working on treatment plan updates instead of engaging in these Ding-inappropriate behaviors, but because I can’t really remember where I left my DSM-IVR I just gotta keep it real. Thusly. Bugly.
Why am I putting myself through this kind of recockulous fuckery? I’m making a list because The Beyoncé and I live across the street from a goddamned Coldstone Creamery and this makes it hard to focus on other things. No joke.
- I wanna be able to fit my voluptuous calves into supercute magenta ski boots next season.
- My aunt is a breast cancer survivor and reducing my body fat will improve my chances of not getting it.
- Eating more green stuff is good for staving off Alzeheimer’s Disease.
- I want a pair of those fancy 7even jeans in the worst way, and they only go up to a 12. Bastards.
- My allergy symptoms will get lots better.
- Having more energy and sleeping great is nice.
- My symptoms of PCOS and endometriosis will lessen considerably.
- I want to be able to perform a lot of ninja-style moves on the dancefloor.
- My thyroid function might improve.
- I think gallivanting about town surrounded by a giant green methane cloud is sexy.
I think that’s enough.
Ed. Note: I forgot to include the * thingy. * means that I actually own a real, 3-D food dehydrator and that I wasn’t referring to something related to the hot winds emanating from my hind end. Just so we’re clear.
Farting in three-part harmony?
Soooo-Faaahhh-Ti-i-i-i-i
Sorry. Just watched the Sound of Music. Doh.
Ice cream? Blah. I’m just glad you didn’t move across the street from a Tab factory. Good luck to you.
When we were kids, my brother used to call them “gaseous expeditions” (pronounced GAY-see-ous).
Oh, I feel your pain with the Coldstone Creamery. I lived across the street from a Krispy Kreme for a year, and that Hot Now smell, oh, my……
Or Cheetos factory…. gosh. Good luck to you, and all who live within your methane perimeter.
ROTFL!!! That was funny and way more descriptive than necessary! I applaud your desire to change your lifestyle and wish you the best.
And this elimination diet then sets you up for what next? Do you then hope to change your way of eating long term? Or do you hope your 4 days of torture produce such spectacular results that you’re done for the year? I do not understand the colon cleansing thing. I can do that by eating too much fried chicken from KFC.