Too Often Punched by an Angel: Money. Sex. Drugs. Death.
What it do, homiez?
The title of this post has to do with the four topics psychotherapists and counselors least like discussing with their patients/clients, yet which are often the sources of a whole rickety raft of emotional pain and behavioral discombobulation. Many mental health practitioners tend to avoid these like the plague.
Not Dr. Ding.
I like to just wade right in, once I’ve got a little rapport going. Some of my best conversational gambits have been:
“Uh, hey, just how much are you liking those two Vicodin 7.5/750s you’re taking every four hours?”
“Ever declared bankruptcy? How good are you at addition and subtraction?”
“Just how horny are you?” or “Exactly how unsatisfying is your sex life?”
and
“Anybody up and died on you lately?”.
I know, I know, it sounds god-awful and you now see me as an insensitive, boorish blah blah blah blah. But, on the upside, driving the mack truck of potentially embarrassing interrogatives gets them over with, and asking them crack-off-the-bat like this tends to make any following questions seem incredibly non-threatening, tame, easy-to-answer, et cetera. I also like to think that being irreverent right up front tends to free up folks to just be who they are with me, and to get to that kind of level of emotional honesty that makes for good psychotherapy progress (eventually).
Dr. Ding does not advocate using these openers willy-nilly, but she does think it very droll to entertain the notion that perhaps the world would be a bit better place if we could talk about all these things with using a frigging shitload of euphemisms and denial, a la “My child would never have premarital relations or consider abusing substances!” Jeebus. Blow out the gaslights and switch to electric. Or: “S/he passed away.” Why not just say they were punched by an angel instead? I love it when people say money’s a little tight right now when the truth is more like “I was seeing a very special lady and spent all my money taking her out for ramantic dinners hired a hooker and did blow off her right asscheek all night.”
It’s good to ask direct questions, but only if you can handle the responses and not run away like a little Victorian girly-mon, pigtails a-flying, shrieking into the night.
Not that Dr. Ding has never done that, particularly not very early in her career, say, circa June 1, 1993 while wearing a large bow in her hair and sporting a long pink floral dress with white tights. Oh never.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
I’m a lil’ pisst at Owen Wilson
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By now everyone has doubtless gawked at all the Owen Wilson scuttlebutt about his alleged drug overdose/suicide attempt. Dr. Ding just wants it to be on the record that Owen Wilson was fucking brilliant in The Life Aquatic, by turns angelic, fallible, heroic, horny, and tragic; no easy feat to pull off as an actor. Equally awesome in The Royal Tenenbaums. I loved him in the movies he did with Jackie Chan. His peformances in Zoolander and Starsky & Hutch still makes me giggle, despite having seen each four times. He was even memorable in that stupid piece-of-shit remake they did of The Haunting of Hill House. I’m sure he’s done other movies in which he was terrific, like the Wedding Crashers, but the aforememntioned are the only ones Dr. Ding has actually taken time out of her thrill-a-minute life to see.
But back to my main point, which is that although I adore Owen Wilson as an actor I am really fucking pissed that he, Owen Wilson The Person, apparently tried to off himself or O.D. or whatthefuckever. Because the soul-body connection being what it is, if Owen Wilson The Person steps on a rainbow, it must necessarily follow that so too does Owen Wilson The Actor. And if this happens, I am without just that much less hilarity, aw-shucks inanity, cuteness, and brilliantly sardonic acting in my life, and frankly, dear readers, that would fucking blow.
It would fucking blow gigantic gelatinous chunks of vile, Chunky Sirloin Burger, Linda-Blair-Pea-Soup chunky-assed vomit.
Owen Wilson, I have revealed my true feelings here. I don’t feel particularly sorry for you or worried, I just want you to know that if you indeed had died I would have been goddamned upset about it. Please take all the time you need to get well, and please be careful and more loving with your life from here on out. Or what, you may ask? Or the world shall shudder ‘neath the hellfire of Dingariffic grumpiness sure to be rained down upon it should you pass from this realm before Fate has decreed it so, thus depriving Dr. Ding of her rightful future merriment in and appreciation of your many talents.
Although I firmly believe that the working-through of grief is ultimately what heals us from most of life’s maladies, I have absolutely zero desire at this time to experience it in regards to Owen Wilson.
I have no fucking idea how to end this post because I’m still so annoyed, so instead I’ll leave you with some of my favorite Zoolander dialogue, where he plays the supermodel Hansel.
Hansel: So I’m rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I’ll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize “Holy shit, Hansel, haven’t you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head?”
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Burnout Questionnaire Regarding Being Burned-Out
Burnout Questionnaire About Burnout: Are You Burned-Out?
By Dr. Ding
aka Dr. Dementa
Please answer the following items “yes”, “no”, or using whatever series of expletives seems to best fit. Sample repsonse is indicated below. It should be noted that this inventory was compiled of non -face-valid items that are empirically derived. Certain questions may strike you as odd, or quite possibly even distressing. Ok, demented even. But remember, your responses to these items are completely confidential, and will only be released to your personal therapist, his/her supervisor, the consulting psychiatrist, your insurance reviewer, who no doubt is some mulleted wankster who knows half your neighbors, friends, relatives and coworkers and isn’t bound by the same confidentiality guidelines as even yourself. So, take your time and respond to each item as quickly as possible. Please write your answers legibly on a separate sheet of paper, and for God’s sake, please try not to drool. This contaminates the interpretability of the test. Have a nice day.
EXAMPLES:
Item:“I frequently find myself taking on additional tasks at work, just to challenge myself”
Sample response: “Fuck no!”
Item: “I feel often that life holds very little hope for me if I continue in this line of work”
Sample response: “Hell yes. What kind of dumbass do you think I am?”
Let’s begin, shall we?
1. I find my work as interesting as ever.
2. I would enjoy doing what I am doing for the rest of my life.
3. I have no desire to quit my current job.
4. After reading the above three items, I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably from the painful irony.
5. I like cheese.
6. Maybe you would like some cheese too.
7. Oftentimes I talk when no one is around.
8. Diagnosing patients is pretty much a crapshoot, on a good day.
9. When in session, I try to look directly at the client as little as possible.
10. I have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.
11. I have difficulty locating my office.
12. I am troubled by thoughts of wanting to choke the living shit out of the consulting psychiatrist.
13. People can read my thoughts.
14. Between sessions I wear a little foil hat to prevent thought transmissions from, you know, them.
15. There is a conspiracy.
16. I am aware of my strengths although they include public nudity and eating coffee grinds.
17. Every day, my flatulence troubles me just a bit more.
18. I would enjoy a career as a florist.
19. I would enjoy a career away from this God-forsaken hellhole.
20. As a child, I never dreamed my life would consist of listening to people drone on about their so-called “problems”. As if panic disorder and coprophagia are “problems”. Yeah, right. Whatever.
21. Evil spirits possess me at times.
22. The spirit of Jerry Springer lives in my pants at times.
23. Most people just want to get laid and tell me about it.
24. My father wore a hat made of herring.
25. I could make a lot more money if I would show up for work.
26. During staff meetings I prefer to make miniature drawings of Elvis.
27. The phrases “That bothers you?” “Let’s talk about you” “I can see you’re hurting” and “What you feel is the most important” seem to come out of my mouth when I am trying to get an estimate on my car repair.
28. Secretly I would like to bathe in pudding.
29. I would be a psychopath if I were paid more money.
30. Drinking hard liquor until falling into a stupor makes me happy.
31. I have taken up golf.
32. Listening is just waiting your turn to talk.
33. My mother hosted parties where angry dwarves would play canasta and sing German opera.
34. I think that deep down, I am a very shallow person.
35. Most of my patients would say that I have a definite booger problem.
36. My house is overrun with small, perfectly-formed turds that answer to the name of Harry.
37. I would change careers, but I am Catholic and haven’t suffered enough.
38. One’s capacity to withstand pain is directly related to foot odor.
39. Lemmings seem to have the right idea.
40. Plaid pants are appealing.
41. I think that adult diapers, with the right accessories, can really enhance one’s chances for promotion.
42. My supervisees call me Hoss behind my back.
43. Constipation is a way of life for some people.
44. When I am uncertain about what to do with a patient, I just pretend I am a large green ottoman until they leave.
45. This profession was made for people who like tight underwear.
46. I was able to laugh, once upon a time.
47. Empathy is for the birds.
48. My written reports, although brief, contain many illustrations and diagrams of the interpretive dances I do in session.
49. I would do my own billing, but I only work with even or prime numbers.
50. Lighting fires would be an enjoyable hobby.
51. Sometimes I daydream about admitting myself to an inpatient unit so I wouldn’t have to worry about all this crap.
52. I never bargained for this.
53. Would you like to see my scar?
54. My bowels sometimes leave my body.
55. Other people, especially my colleagues, just don’t seem to understand my unique method of salting my patients.
56. You would smear shit on the wall if you had my office décor, too.
57. I think that 5 hours of sleep per night and 12-hour workdays build character.
58. I would kill myself if I weren’t looking.
59. I am about as mystified by the vagaries of hand lotion as I ever was.
60. My nose has a secret compartment.
61. Most people, given the chance, would change their identity and take up smelting.
62. When I reflect upon my most successful cases I am at times troubled by a shattering sense of failure.
63. I once dropped trou at a party hosted by Henry Kissinger.
64. I know the real meaning of the phrase “I’m a hootchee cootchee man” as sung by Bo Diddley.
65. The MMPI-2 is for sissies.
66. Lately my sweat smells like someone’s stanky drawers.
67. I regret most of the decisions I have made, especially the ones involving hand puppets in treating dementia.
68. I believe I have a special purpose, although I tend to confuse it with my laundry.
69. When a patient is relating a matter of great emotional impact that touches on some of my own personal issues, my preferred manner of coping is to stick my fingers in my ears and sing “lalalalalalala” until they are done.
70. My training consists solely of cognitive-behavioral approaches to existential crises.
71. Hamsters are intriguing and have inspired me throughout my career.
72. I always refer to support staff by the name of “Slappy”.
73. My first supervisor told me I was doing it all wrong, but I was really doing that on purpose, anyway.
74. Most people have a keen interest in figuring out ways to tell people to fuck-off, without using the word “fuck” or “off”.
75. I play air guitar only when I think I am going to get caught.
76. Sensitivity, schmensitivity.
77. I have taken to wearing several strategically-placed Kleenex in lieu of clothing on “casual day”.
78. I would enjoy telling people that I admire my own ass, but I am too shy.
79. At conferences, I try to look as opaque and disgruntled as possible.
80. It was twenty years ago today, Sergeant Pepper’s band came to play.
81. I am on a personal quest to bring parataxic distortions back into vogue.
82. When I speak to managed care representatives, I often pretend I too have no formal training or clinical experience, just for the fun of it.
83. My own therapist tells me that the voices are right.
84. When giving formal presentations, I enjoy livening things up with a little jig.
85. I see dead people.
86. I see dumb people. And the scariest part is, they don’t know they’re dumb.
87. The biggest influence on my supervision style was Benito Mussolini.
88. I think people are overrated.
89. I am severely troubled by my lack of black, tarry stools.
90. My relationships seem to end with one or more of the following: a) the sudden appearance of flannel pajamas, b) massive pyrotechnic explosions, c) a long car chase culminating in a 16-car pileup, d) an audible “pop!” and suddenly finding myself in the middle of the string section of the Berlin Philharmonic, or e) seemingly endless reenactments of Monty Python dialogue.
91. I am utterly amazed during the majority of my waking hours.
92. As a child, I enjoyed disemboweling my elders.
93. Secretly, I am thrilled to listen to the exploits of CPAs.
94. The last time I wrote a progress note, you were still in short pants.
95. Of all the things I’ve done, I regret having that therapy group for borderlines over to my home for dinner and drinks the most.
96. When in doubt, just yell “Hey! Snap out of it!!”.
97. If the above doesn’t work, try “Take it easy, cha cha”.
98. I feel sad that there are so few people in the bathroom when I sit there and make various witty remarks.
99. When I have trouble focusing, I just put on a jaunty French beret.
100. It looks like I dropped a television set down the back of my pants, thanks to years of back-to-back sessions.
.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
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