Ask Dr. Ding

By now everyone has doubtless gawked at all the Owen Wilson scuttlebutt about his alleged drug overdose/suicide attempt. Dr. Ding just wants it to be on the record that Owen Wilson was fucking brilliant in The Life Aquatic, by turns angelic, fallible, heroic, horny, and tragic; no easy feat to pull off as an actor. Equally awesome in The Royal Tenenbaums. I loved him in the movies he did with Jackie Chan. His peformances in Zoolander and Starsky & Hutch still makes me giggle, despite having seen each four times. He was even memorable in that stupid piece-of-shit remake they did of The Haunting of Hill House. I’m sure he’s done other movies in which he was terrific, like the Wedding Crashers, but the aforememntioned are the only ones Dr. Ding has actually taken time out of her thrill-a-minute life to see.

But back to my main point, which is that although I adore Owen Wilson as an actor I am really fucking pissed that he, Owen Wilson The Person, apparently tried to off himself or O.D. or whatthefuckever. Because the soul-body connection being what it is, if Owen Wilson The Person steps on a rainbow, it must necessarily follow that so too does Owen Wilson The Actor. And if this happens, I am without just that much less hilarity, aw-shucks inanity, cuteness, and brilliantly sardonic acting in my life, and frankly, dear readers, that would fucking blow.

It would fucking blow gigantic gelatinous chunks of vile, Chunky Sirloin Burger, Linda-Blair-Pea-Soup chunky-assed vomit.

Owen Wilson, I have revealed my true feelings here. I don’t feel particularly sorry for you or worried, I just want you to know that if you indeed had died I would have been goddamned upset about it. Please take all the time you need to get well, and please be careful and more loving with your life from here on out. Or what, you may ask? Or the world shall shudder ‘neath the hellfire of Dingariffic grumpiness sure to be rained down upon it should you pass from this realm before Fate has decreed it so, thus depriving Dr. Ding of her rightful future merriment in and appreciation of your many talents.

Although I firmly believe that the working-through of grief is ultimately what heals us from most of life’s maladies, I have absolutely zero desire at this time to experience it in regards to Owen Wilson.

I have no fucking idea how to end this post because I’m still so annoyed, so instead I’ll leave you with some of my favorite Zoolander dialogue, where he plays the supermodel Hansel.

Hansel: So I’m rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I’ll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize “Holy shit, Hansel, haven’t you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head?”
Derek Zoolander: And?
Hansel: And it was. I was totally fine. I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius.