Ask Dr. Ding

Watch out for me big shillelagh!

Dearest darlingest readers. I totally forgot about po ole AskDrDing. You see, after our move to Denver I went on my third cruise two weeks after. Then I worked at my new job for a couple weeks, and was off to the east coast to reune with college friends at a lake cabin in the New Hampshire woods. We’ve had houseguests galore staying, most recently my sainted Irish Ma, who presented me with the family shillelagh, which is matrilineally bequeathed. We’ve also been delighted to meet up with various friends passing through Denver for brunches at Steubens. More on that later.*

So y’all better watch out for ye olde shillelagh. No longer will I cut a bitch, but rather smite a bitch. For real. This thing is no joke. I promised Ma I’d use its powers both wisely and well.

Let’s see, let’s see, what else? Oh yes! MANY forces have been conspiring lo these last months to keep me from my appointed bloggy rounds here. Let’s review:

Freakin’ loldogs. I started and now I can’t stop. Their antics and expressions are just so fetching I can’t look away. It’s like some kind of lolProzak mixed with a perfect vodka martini.

Dog the Bounty Hunter: He and his giant mullet of power are back! I can only assume Dog got hisself some kind of counseling to help him with his racist issues, because A&E is filming more new episodes than I can keep track of. Sometimes I strain towards the TV screen to try to get nail decorating tips from Beth Chapman because her nails are like the Brigadier General of the fake fingernail army. I love this show because the way the Chapman family sweet-talks and pimps around these jacked-up know-it-all felons in such a therapeutic way that by the time they roll up to the jail sallyport they’re crying and hugging and talking to Jesus. All while swearing and smoking. I LOVE that heartstrings shit. That’s a former criminal (Dog) using his powers for the forces of good, a concept that I spent a number of years trying to impart to inmates in my penitentiary programs and groups. Yes.

Ghost Hunters: A now-classic show featuring two Roto-Rooter plumbers by day, researchers of the unknown at night. They all have strong East Coast accents, which I LOVE. The chief investigators, Grant and Jason, are basically kind, hardworking fellas, family men who happen to dig running around every weekend in a big white van full of gobs of tech equipment, in search of physical evidence of ghosts. They’ve assembled a motley crew that has changed in lineup due to interpsonal conflicts over the last few seasons. There’s a little bit of that kind of drama to give it a human feeling, but it doesn’t interfere with the actual ghost hunting, and believe me, there are plenty of scary ghostie moments.

Ghost Adventures: This is like Ghost Hunters on steroids and about 50 less IQ points for the group; I keep yelling at the TV for the head investigator to deflate himself whenever he struts around as if flexing his guns is going to draw out the ghosties. Yeesh. “Deflate. DE-FLATE I said!” is a frequently-heard comment from me. But does he hear me? No, he does not. The show has to be about 95% faked, so when something terrifying and non-faked happens, like a suddenly tippy rocking chair, these 3 hard dudes run around like little preschoolers with a load in ther drawers. And none of them seem to have a sense of humor. But it’s pretty fun to watch anyway as they yell and bulge out their neck veins, and lock themselves into morgue drawer and then yell some more.

Silversmithing: When I was 22 years old, the day I arrived at gradual school I opened up a gift my great-aunt had sent along with me. It recommended making a list of all the things you want to do, see, accomplish, experience, etc in your life. So I assiduously began to crank out a list, at the top of which was Learn Silversmithing.

18 years later I fulfilled that dream. I’d already worked through several of the other ones, like playing with dolphins, going on a cruise, travelling to Ireland, finishing gradual school, having a meaningful career where I get to be of service, adopting a dog, finding a terrific relationship. But that silversmithing one would nag at me…when I had the time to do it, I didn’t have the money. And then years later when I had the money, I had no time in which to pursue it. Finally, at the end of June I bit the bullet and took a 2-day course up in Estes Park, CO. It was FABULOUS.

There’s more, but that’s plenty for now. I think I gotta kinda ease back into this here blog situation like an old man getting into a bathtub.

Aah, that’s better.

<fart bubbles>

*Really, here’s all you need to know: Steubens has fried corn. And delightful bacon and ham. Ooh and caramelized French toast. And lots of hipsters, but they’re small so don’t worry.