Ike: Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck
Seriously. Dr. Ding has been attempting to come up with a less profane title for this post, but couldn’t. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes straight, turning over various ideas like “Dear Ike: You’re a Sumbitch Asshole” and “Ike: Ta Hell Wit Ya, Ya Friggin’ Fuck Ya” but I feel the current situation warrants a three F-bomb minimum.
The Beyoncé and Pooparella and I survived the shit-assiest hurricane I’ve ever witnessed to date. As of this writing, we still don’t have power or water, which is true of most of Houston. We’re in good company.
Temporarily we’re camping out in The Beyoncé’s office where at least we’re in the air-conditioning and I can poop without having to use like six gallons of precious water from the bathtub to flush the offending turd only semi-successfully.
Sometimes it takes a force as mighty as a hurricane to make me grateful for the simple things in life, such as a non-scary toilet situation. Also ranking high on the gratitude scale are: electrical power, clean running water, and being able to get online long enough to harrass all y’all with a blog post letting you know I’m okay.
You should know that by “okay” I mean the following things: surly, bitchy, crabby, hot, sticky, saddened, deeply concerned about the devastation faced by Houston, Galveston and the whole Gulf Coast in general, slightly headachy, and really fucking irritated that I won’t get to watch CSI: Fucking Anything for a long time. Fuck.
Some sites worth checking for less fuckity fuck-laden information and/or updates:
Ike Answers (On Chron.com)
Tiara Clink (Great pics! Plus some f-bombs, which is why I like her)
Ike Power Database on Chron.com (Info on outages)
(I had the CenterPoint Energy site initially earmarked, but it has an exceptionally crappy user interface and I got no fucking patience with that kind of foolio navigational bullshit right now.)
If I can locate more good sites I’ll post them as access and availability allow. If you find any sites particularly helpful in the coming days PLEASE post them in the comments below and I’ll repost and Twitter them when I can.
I’m feeling very very grateful that we’re due for a cooling front to move through later tonight! And further, that we have an intact roof, that we’re injury- and illness-free and that I’m able to get online long enough to pester the living shit right out of y’all.
If you’re reading this and you’re in Houston: hang in there, my bitches. It will get better. Things invariably do.
I ain’t gonna lie: life is going to suck wrinkly donkey balls at 500psi for awhile, but eventually it’s going to improve. Our ancestors lived without air-conditioning and cable TV, not to mention shit like Advil and cold beer and walls and stuff. So can we. We will get through this bullshit. We will drink our beer warm and remember better times.
Be good to each other. I shall return to harrass you at some unspecified point. Also, I would like to conclude this here very eloquent post by informing you that I just added “wrinkly donkey balls” to my Search Engine Optimization keywords.
Because I’m classy, that’s why.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
din·gy /ˈdɪndʒi/
–adjective, -gi·er, -gi·est.
1. of a dark, dull, or dirty color or aspect; lacking brightness or freshness.
2. shabby; dismal.
Well, fuck. At least the fucking one you’re fucking with doesn’t give a fuck how you fucking smell.
Let this fuck here in St. fucking Louis know what the fuck I can fucking do for you - like fucking FedEx a few fucking trays of ice fucking cubes or some other such fuckity-fuck.
I fucking love you and hope this fuckfest Ike fucking left you is fucking over fucking soon.
(…oh and CSI is on hulu.com.)
Dear Dr. Ding:
I’ve been thinking about you these last 48 hours. Despite your obvious distress and discomfort, I am both glad and relieved to know that you and The Beyonce have survived Ike relatively unscathed. For sure, life will suck wrinkly donkey balls (can I borrow that line?) for a while. I’m really sorry about that. I don’t want you to suffer. No air conditioning? Not being able to flush after a poo?! Oh, heavens. As ndbeasle said, put out an all-call for care packages and amenity boxes if you need something or would like a little bit of joy to get you through the day. Please? Don’t be shy. Take care.
Hey chica! Power yet? Need a shower? Let me know. We have water and power finally. Going to work now but I’ll be back tonight.
Fuck I’m gonna cry.
We’ll go in order.
NDBeasle: Thank you for the Ding-approved usage of all the many beautiful, descriptive ways on can use the word “fuck”. And also, for reminding me that I can watch old CSI: The Fuck? episodes on Hulu-in my excitement I’d forgotten this even existed. This was I think your finest comment ever.
Anthony: You Whose Name I Shall Forever Hear As Ant-Knee because I spent a year in Boston as a child. Thank you. The thought of you and NDBeasle getting together to send me a care package fills me with delight as well as laughter. Ole NDB would be all like “Here’s your ice cubes, hope ya like ‘em!” and you’d send me something sleekly functional to help de-stenchify my bathrooms, something very post-modern that also improves my understanding of 21st century art. I just know it.
Jenny: You truly are THE Bloggess. Which is why you’re so awesome! Thanks so much. We may take you up on that offer later in the week if we don’t get power. Could you imagine the ensuing hijinks? The dead miniature baby arms and tiny Tarot cards that would be found in our wake? I get chills thinking about it. The good kind.
Eff bombs are the greatest verbal invention ever.
I still don’t have power. All of this because a fuse is dangling from the transformer. If someone would put it back in its little place, we’d be fine and dandy. Good luck getting anyone on the phone for that.
Thanks for the link love. I’m tired of Ike’s bullshit, for damn sure.
Yay for F-Bombs!
Cause if it weren’t for them, I’d pretty much be out of bidness.