Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding.

Old and Opinionated

Dear Old And Opinionated:

Dr. Ding’s first reaction to this missive was “Your friend is a stone hoochie” but then I decided that this perhaps was insensitive and a tad hasty. Let me collect my thoughts, which have scattered like a misdiagnosed ADHD child overdosed on Ritalin because they should have chosen a college major by now or at least scored in the top 2% on their psychometrically invalid Exemplary School exams. What? Exactly.

Congratulations, OldOp-you’re friends with someone with poor judgement. Which you know. And she probably has some clue that her way of going about making major life decisions ain’t so hot, which is why she’s hitting you up for your input and, more accurately, your approval. You’re smart to not fall for it, but it certainly sounds like your efforts to not blurt out “Gah! What the fuck are you fucking thinking!” are putting a strain on the friendship.

Your friend is the kind of person who spends a lot of time worrying about what man is going to leave her next, and has difficulty being available as a friend because of all the drama she stirs up and then expects you to listen to. She probably fears other women will take her man unless she’s staked a babydaddy claim, which means she’s pretty damn insecure and probably is stuck at a pubertal developmental level. She views her role in romantic relationships as that of subordinate, or she may be conflicted about issues of healthy interdependence vs codependence. She spits out babies as a means to an end, which is fundamentally immature, egocentric, stupid, and financially unsound. It’s a way of wielding covert power, power she feels otherwise unable to access or utilize. There are probably some thorny daddy issues mixed up in this somewhere. I could go on, but I gotta charge ya for milkshakes as rich as this one.

It sounds like she’s not someone who shares your value system when it comes to relationship/parenting decisions. And admittedly, her ideas about reproducing herself aren’t exactly in alignment with my life ideals, either.

But.

Why does this all concern you, OldOp? People, longstanding friends included, make stupendously irritating and/or puzzling choices on a daily basis. Perhaps it might offer some relief if you considered why this babymakin’ scenario is bothering you so much.

Ponder the following: Is your friend tacitly expecting you to help with the care and feeding of the fruit of her oh-so fertile loins? Is there some kind of subtle Parent-Child or Counselor-Client dynamic at work in your friendship that allows you to feel so very okay with sitting in judgement of her choices? Do you secretly long to quit being so responsible and upright by getting busy in the wading pool out back with that über-hot housepainter dude while you skip that boring Tuesday afternoon staff meeting? Just why is this pushing your buttons? Is your concern with your friend’s boot-knockalicious activities perhaps a convenient way of avoiding unpleasantness in your own life? Any ideas?

A big part of your problem is that for whatever reason, this is not a friendship of equals. You’re holding back because you think you’re so damn powerful (or old and opinionated?) that you’re going to ruin the friendship. It doesn’t matter if a) this is power she’s giving you or b) this is power you’re imagining you have — the net result is the same; she’s done yet another stupid thing with her life, and you feel all ookey about it and it’s eating your lunch. You’re taking on too much here. She’s an adult. You’re not her mother, her therapist, her parole officer, her boss. You’re just her friend. Right?

To answer your question OldOp; yes you are getting older and more opinionated. And yet the converse is also true, that you’re simultaneously more aware of the long-term consquences that can arise from shitty sexual decision-making. I like the pithy old saying about how friends are those people who see all our flaws and love us anyway, even while knowing that it’s a LOT harder to actually like someone who seems hell-bent on fucking up their life while simultaneously asking for everyone’s approval. It’s perfectly okay to love your friend but really dislike her babymama tendencies.

Where does all this leave you?

1. As I’ve suggested, consider why this is pushing your buttons. Are you spending too much time around your crazy-assed friend and her crazy ass? Expecting too much? Is there anything going on in your life that you’d do better to pay this much attention to, anything you’re avoiding?

2. Examine the dynamics of your friendship. You seem to be acting out of a kind of parentified role, which makes it hard to genuinely love another person for who they are and not what you expect them to be. What’s the payoff for you in terms of being friends with someone whose decision-making processes and value systems seem so disparate from yours?

3. Hold the risks of maintaing this whackity-ass friendship with grace. Easy to say, harder to do. Part of friendship is hanging in there even when our friends do cosmically silly shit, but it doesn’t mean that you have to play ringmaster or have a front-row seat to the Three-Ring Clusterfuck. It’s tough, I know. But if you can find a way to still remain responsible to your friend without feeling so responsible for her, you will likely feel a lot better about the whole matter. You may need to tell her this. Or you may not. To become clearer on this issue, keep reading.

Let those thoughts and feelings of judgement and concern arise, notice them, and see what happens next. If you focus on them, it’s likely they will incease. If, however, you allow yourself to observe the experience from a more detached, compassionate standpoint, you might be pleasantly suprised. Or you might think I’m totally full of glittery shit, it’s up to you. But…filling your heart with compassion while maintaining detachment from her pathetic attempts to control a doomed relationship is ultimately what will allow this friendship to endure the current strain without making you want to drink gin di-reckly out of the bottle.

* * *

In the meantime I find it helpful, when dealing with dramatically nutbar, self-obsessed, chaotic, shit-stirring or bad-decisiony friends and loved ones, to practice a lot of deliberate, loving kindness towards the self. Take some time to put energy into that which you enjoy or find most rewarding, such as other, less-demanding friendships, creative hobbies, or simply some down time. OldOp, you sound, despite your admitted disdain and frustration, like a person who cares passionately for her friends and the world around her. Just make sure along the way you nuture* yourself.

*Just so we’re clear, by “nurture” I don’t mean: spending the rent money on a single pair of shoes, pirating cable TV, snorting cocaine in the bathroom of Hobby Lobby, collecting Precious Moments figurines, scalping Engelbert Humperdinck tickets clad only in a paper napkin and a coy smile, loansharking, or anything involving soy cheese. Fuck that shit.