Dear Dr. Ding
Dearest Ding,
I am about to unleash my inner Darth Mul but I don’t want to jump the gun. I would like to hear your take on the situation. I am a busy lass-working full time, grad school, and planning a wedding. When I come home after class, work or any other event, my fiance rarely asks how things went. Nary a how was class? How was work? etc. He openly expresses his hatred of his job and does not want to talk about it. However, I like what I do and sometimes would like to talk about how I spend most of my waking hours. I am rarely if ever prompted to talk about my day or anything I do in my life. This frustrates me and when I try to start a conversation about anything going on, I receive a one-word, snippy-ass answer. I want to scream with frustration. The only time I feel we actually ”talk” is when he has had a few beers or we have something serious going on. Am I being ridic about this?? Thanks for your counsel.
I Want To Talk!
Dear I Want to Talk!:
You are not beng ridonculonk. I suspect you’re in a relationship with an unhappy person with whom you’re not well-matched, and who probably resents the fact that you’re actually a) happy and b) going places in life.
When I first read your letter my thought was this: O my gentle GirlJesus™ someone please poke this woman’s fiance with sharp stick to make sure he isn’t in a state of turdlike suspended animation. I suspect he’s in an advanced phase of spiritual rigor mortis and I absolutely must commence to whaling upon him in a most snarktastic way but I can’t justify doing that if he indeed is trapped in a Han Solo/frozen carbonite state of complete and turdlike biophysiological suspension.
For reals.
You’re marrying him cuz why again?
Tell Dr. Ding it’s because he suffuses your life with preternaturally rich dimensions of emotional presence and conversational delight and that this recent downturn is of very brief duration.
No? Well…it’s just got to be because he enchants your very soul and inspires you to be a better person!
Wrong again? Hmmm… ah yes I think I’ve got it.
You’re with him because he occasionally slips you the semi-decent hot beef injection and looks good standing next to that minivan in the white-picket dream sequence you’ve got playing in the back of your mind. You know - the soft-focus scenario where he’s unrecognizably attentive, kind and communicative and doesn’t require a half-case of Old Milwaukee’s finest vintage to act like a decent human being.
Honey. Girl. From Dr. Ding’s glittery-assed armchair perspective, you’re not so much in a relationship as you are in the idea of a relationship.
What the helly helle am I saying here? I’m saying that in order to really be in a true partnership with someone, no matter whether married, affianced, shacked up or merely a-boinking on a regular basis, that both parties have to demonstrate more than a passing interest in trust, respect, equality and support. And darlin’ ain’t nothing going on but the rent up in your house
So jump that gun, IWTT. Jump it, hump it, dump it. Whatever you’re contemplating here. Unleash. Get out the lightsaber and starting burning a few of those strands that keep you locked in this toxic entanglement. Some possible ideas for a modified Darth Maul approach:
- Put your wedding plans on hold until you’re certain of what you want and what you’ll accept.
- Sit down with him, sans Molson Golden, and have a heart-to-heart.
- You can choose to be supportive of him while being clear that he has got to take responsibility for changing his sour outlook and deplorable behavior, not you.
- Set a timeline and state what you expect/want/need. If not met, move on
It sounds all bloodless and elegant, like some WASPish jewel thief driving off in an MG after a flawless caper, but well, it never is. And I think you know that - that’s why you’re putting this whole thing off, because you already know that he’s going to probably have an extraordinary amount of difficulty meeting the day-to-day demands of a bona-fide adult relationship*.
Let us know how things turn out, IWTT. My prediction? That you’ll have a fabulous career, wonderful opportunities for growth and connection, and that if you decide to end this relationship that you will soon find one that’s a better match.
*Stuff like: eye contact, listening (or at the very least, pretending to listen), paying attention when spoken to, initiating conversation, politeness, expression of affection, funny sarcasm vs. painful, directed-at-you sarcasm, not having to get drunk or have a crisis to have an actual conversation, taking responsibility for changing one’s behavior instead of whining. Stuff like that.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
“Honey. Girl. From Dr. Ding’s glittery-assed armchair perspective, you’re not so much in a relationship as you are in the idea of a relationship.” I think there might be an idea for a book in that one. Hell there were several other smattered about in there. Loved the use of pics as well to accent a point. You are brilliant!
I also hope that IWTT lets all of us know how it goes. She seems way to talented and together to be with a man who requires beer to act empethetic or express an actual feeling. If he was a girl I would want to tell him to buk up and put on his big girl underpants, time to cut the whining and take some action in his pathetic excuse for an adult livng a life.
Oh Gail E. Poo. You probably shouldn’t encourage me so. But I’m glad you do.
Also: “his big girl underpants” et al = hilarity. Methinks you should start a blog of your own.
And yes…I think IWTT has her shit wired pretty darn tight and that she’ll soar to even greater heights once she drops the deadweight.
“in a state of turdlike suspended animation”
oof, the visual on this one is a-makin’ me titter.
Ding, why do so many talented women settle for losers? I’ve been guilty myself and now have simply decided to avoid the whole mess altogether. What’s a badass girl to do?
Brilliant! Gail is right! The word for you is BRILLIANT! Keep it up and please answer drmiggy’s question. I’ve often wondered that too.
Yeah this whole conversation reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a single male friend of mine. He told me that I seem like I must be very “picky” when it comes to men. He said that he used to be very picky too and then did some research or something that told him that we only run across an ideal mate once every 67 years or something. No, I have zero idea what he’s been reading but while it’d be interesting to know, that’s not the point. He said that because of this survey (or whatever) he *lowered his standards* in hopes of some day making that almighty Love Connection. My shocked response to this surprised even me because it was a fact that he inadvertently yanked from somewhere deep inside of me; a fact I had not yet even really realized myself! - I quickly told him that I’d never be lowering my standards. I said that I know exactly what I’d want in a male companion and either I’ll find it or I won’t, but if I don’t I am 100% okay with that.
And I meant it.
Life’s too short to spend with schmucks. =)
IWTT
He may not really be just a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, but you need to tell him he will get no pleasure from you.
I, too, went through an “Owen Lars” phase - toiling away at a dead end moisture farm on some god-forsaken desert planet. I didn’t want to hear about the hopes and dreams of the Jedi in my midst either. I wanted her just to stick around for “one more season” and be miserable with me. Luckily, I was already married with chldren, and she was was willing and able to help me turn away from the darkside.
There is an enormous amount of truth to the idiom “misery loves company” “Company loves misery” doesn’t work quite as well. Go a little Yoda on him. Knock him down a few notches. Your man needs to be told that this is not your destiny. No need to “lower your standards” or “settle”. The Force will lbe with you. Always. You don’t want to end up as stormtrooper bait along with him, crispy and forgotten under the heat of a planet with twin suns.
Han Solo learned that there was more to him than money. Maybe there is hope for your guy, too. Maybe not. You must do what you think is right.
-nd-Jar-Jar-beasle
Jamie wrote: “we only run across an ideal mate once every 67 years”
There’s a big difference IMO between an ideal mate and a compatible mate. There are probably hundreds of people out there with whom you can have a wonderful life without being “ideal”. It’s not either/or- either I find my ideal mate or I settle for a loser. There’s a whole lot in between.
Funny thing, after 25 years of marriage, my mate becomes more and more ideal even though he was probably just barely compatible when we married (and at times totally imcompatible). So maybe it’s a little of compatible combined with working toward ideal. Maybe compatible just means willing to work toward ideal or at least have fun trying. Maybe I should bow out now and let the dr. have her say.
Good girl, Trainer; good girl.
It is indeed a continuum - rife often with peaks and valleys. (Some valleys are low and long.) It is often best to start on a peak. I do not believe I’ll ever be “ideal”. Thank God amerdb took a chance on me.
Now stop posting so I catch you..
- ndbea-G-le
DrMiggy:
This is a great question. And I particularly like how you posed it: what’s a badass girl to do?
I’m gonna write an entire article on it!
Thank you, O Badass Doc!
Jamie &Trainer:
Y’alls comments are insightful and I think that’s a great distinction: we can have any # of potential compatible mates, some of whom may be ideal, some of whom may not be. And that dude that said “every 67 years” must have been smoking some really excellent doobie to come up w/such a preposterous statistic!
And ndbeasle old friend:
Are you trying to topple Trainer as Top Dinger? I’m not sure it can be done. Also: I enjoyed your StarWars-laden reply! May The Force be with you, too.
Right … good. That sounded a little flaky to you gals too.
Yeah, I’d have to know what all goes into making a man “ideal” for me before I could ever plan to hold out for him. Seems like a very complex and multi-faceted concept. Which is probably part of the reason that I decided to stop viewing finding a mate as some sort of mandatory life quest. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t love for some excellent dude to appear before my very eyes, begging to spend all of eternity with me — that would be nice, but if I’m destined to only meet lame-o jerks for the rest of my life (and it’s beginning to look that way), then eternal singleness is definitely preferable and not a fate worse than death.
I’m just happy to feel pretty confident about knowing most of the things that make a person wrong for me. And I’m referring to both obvious *and* subtle issues. So I guess when I said “I know exactly what I want” I really meant “I know what will definitely NOT fly” - although many lucky people have this ability from birth, being able to distinguish these deal-breaking characteristics in men is a breakthrough for me. w00t! Gotta celebrate the personal victories.
mmmmm … “really excellent doobie” . . . mmmmm … “Star Wars-laden” . . .
Jamie:
Liked the description:”some excellent dude”. And as you mentioned, being able to distinguish those deal-breaking characteristics IS truly important — so many people never do learn how to successfully identify these, and end up feeling trapped and/or exploited somehow in relationships that could have been curtailed early on.
w00t indeed!!!!