Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding:

Help. I had a huge fight with someone in my family over the Christmas holiday, and I am supposed to go to a family lunch on New Year’s Day. My problem is that the person I had the fight with is my sister, and no one knows we’re not on speaking terms at the moment. My Mom has cancer, and I don’t want to go upsetting her by having to explain why we’re not talking (my sister and me, I mean). Mom is having chemotherapy and is pretty run down. She’s hosting the meal, she does it every year, cancer or not.

I guess I should mention the fact that the reason my sister and I had the fight is really stupid. She for some reason dislikes my boyfriend and made a crack about him being a “biker without the bike” type of guy while we were washing dishes after Christmas dinner. It was just the 2 of us in her kitchen. I blew it off and didn’t react but she kept going. She kept asking “where is this relationship of yours going, anyway? Can’t he afford a ring? Is he working at a real job now?” agggh!! I’m not describing it right because I know this sounds not that bad, but it was the way she said it. She also said she thought I was above him and that I would be better taken care of by pretty much anyone else.

I think I should add that my sister is 4 years older than I am and hasn’t had a serious relationship in like 7 years. I don’t think she’s had a date in the last 2 years either. She wouldn’t let it go, she kept on asking questions in this snippy “trying to be funny” tone, and I just blew my stack at her.

I tried, Dr. Ding. I tried to be zen about it, but nothing I had said to her seemed to have an effect - she just kept washing dishes and looking very happy with herself! I’m proud of myself that I didn’t try to explain or justify my boyfriend’s choice of clothes or work as a mechanic. He definitely looks the biker part, but who cares? When I first met him I couldn’t even see his tats, so WTF. But…I did say to her that I thought she was probably just jealous because she hadn’t gotten laid since we had a democrat in the White House, and that she might not be so tempted to pick on me if she had a social life. I know, not the best thing for me to say.

I’ll get to the point: my sister never apologized, despite me later apologizing for my low blow about her needing a good lay, and despite me confronting her about her catty critical statements. She stomped out of the kitchen and when I finished drying, she was out in the living room with the whole family, my boyfriend in included, laughing and acting like nothing was wrong. She wouldn’t even look at me. The next day I tried calling her lots of times, left a bunch of messages, no answer. Nothing. No email either.

So now we’ve got this big family traditional lunch thing coming, and I can’t stand the thought of being around my sister when she’s acting like this. I guess I should also mention that this kind of crap has happened before, but usually it’s not so mean-spirited. I think she’s jealous of me somehow, even though she’s the one with the nice house, stable job, lots of money in the bank. I’m an artist and teach at a community college. I know we’re different in lots of ways but our disagreements have never been so long lasting.

How do I handle New Year’s Day without freaking out Mom or having my brain explode?

Seething in Splendora

Dear Seething:

Okay, you’ve laid (no pun intended) this out very nicely, and I like how you tried to remain detached and calm whilst your sister was busy poking you with sharp verbal sticks; good job! That’s not easy. And okay, so you unloaded a few choice vulgarities in her general direction. But, again to your credit you immediately apologized. Here’s the shocker though: your sister’s reaction may have more to do with the timing of your argument than any other variable in this cozy little family equation.

It’s Christmas. Stressful. Mom has cancer. Stressful. Sister is probably feeling pretty damn lonely and hasn’t had her sinuses cleaned in a dog’s life. Stressful.

To wit: she’s older than you, of a different temperament, has a more conventional lifestyle, and probably is seen by the family as the more “responsible” one, I’d wager. She’s probably standing there in her immaculate suburban castle that inexplicably always smells like scented toilet paper, looking at your hip beatnik self washing dishes, your equally exotic and unpredictable boyfriend a mere door’s breadth away, and realizing that maybe she’s never walked on the wild side of life, never stepped more than one single sensible brown leather clog’s step away from her comfort zone.

Your sister, being older and more staid, may identify in some ways with your mother’s issues of mortality that may seem alien to you. Often, people with cancer take a kind of stock of their lives, an existential inventory. And often they find they haven’t taken enough risks in life, or that they’ve inhibited themselves emotionally to the detriment of their relationships with others. So, after the surgery/chemo/radiation tango, they decide to travel or actually say I Love You or write their memoirs or get a gigantic boob tattooed in the middle of their chest. Truth. Trust.

Your sister may be looking at your mother’s struggle and thinking “Aw Christ, I knew I should have howled at the Midsummer moon/taken that trip I couldn’t afford/never decided that beige was my color.” And kicking herself. And then you come waltzing in like some fabu Riot Grrl, spreading pixie dust and farting butterflies, being all artsy and shoot-from-the-hip, and she can’t quite handle her anger at herself, so she takes it out on you, you biker-boning betty, you. How dare you follow what makes you happy whether in love or work, when you could be polishing your chromed-out BreadMaker and working for some gigantic conglomerate where everyone wears that same goddamn navy sweater on Casual Friday?

In other words, try not to worry too much about this. Your sister has problems with her own life that she’s playing out with you.

Consider not trying to hide stuff from Mom: she probably knows something ain’t right. And further, just because she has cancer doesn’t mean she’s made of glass. When folks have serious illnesses, one of the most insulting things we can do to them is act like they’ve suddenly lost their ability to function or problem-solve or just simply deal with life’s little shitstorms. It effectively creates this weird cloud of faux pleasantry and unwitting condescension around the sick person and eventually they get this idea that because everyone’s tiptoeing and hush-hushing and pasting on pained smiles when they’re nearby, that Oh Mah Lord, I’m Gonna Die Any Fucking Minute Here, Take Me In Your Arms Sweet Lil Baby Jesus.

Ideas for you to consider:

1. Do what you would normally do and go to the lunch.
   
2. If your sister’s acting crazy again, don’t get into an argument, because someone walking by won’t be able to tell which one of you is really the crazy one.
   
3. Remember that your sister is probably not real good at relationships and that includes her relationship with you.
   
4. Don’t glower. But don’t be fake-nice either.
   
5. In the meantime stop with the email/phone stalking. Have some dignity there, ok?
   
6. She’s pissed, for right or for wrong, so let her work this out in her own time.

Arguments in families are often more about feelings than they are about facts, and these get really muddled up quickly, especially when there’s a competitive dynamic like the one between you and your sister. Try to be mindful of this. Dr. Ding could write a few tomes just on this topic alone, but for now, try to stick with the aforementioned ideas, plus your own Zen strategies.

Oh, and whatever you do, Seething, no matter what, for GirlJesus’ sake: stay away from the fruitcake. That stuff always gives me stupendously horrific gas. Trust.