Ask Dr. Ding

Howdy ho, neighboreenos. It’s that holiday season again, and I’ll just bet you’re wondering how you can fuck it up beyond all recognition. Well never fear, Dr. Ding is here, bearing some much-needed wisdom.

Seems like this time of year everyone wants to de-stress, stay super healthy, simplify, find deeper connections, and just generally take the piss out of Christmas. Or Harmonica. [Same diff. No matter how many points your religion’s star has, it’s all about the return of the Sun god, whether it be Jesus, Mithras, or Ra.]

Well, fuck that, I say.

Whatever happened to having a truly memorable holiday season, stuffed to the gills with excitement, consumerism, mayhem, and senseless idolatry? Read on for ideas.

1. Accept that you CAN and MUST find the perfect gift for everyone you know. Everyone (includes: dentist, cashier at Target, manicurist, UPS guy, someone you once said hello to in the weight room) expects a gift, and it had better be damn good. Failure to locate said gift prior to December 24th just means you are one irredeemably lazy, sorry sack of shit who can’t even bother to try to make up for being such a fatuous ass the rest of the year.

This is your ONLY chance to prove exactly how worthy you are by buying stuff you can’t really afford. It’s the way it’s always been done. Low credit card balances are for sissies. Now hop to it, you miserable wretch. Buy that love! Buy it!

2. Put yourself on a strict diet or exercise plan that leaves you feeling so strung-out and deprived of nutrients that you gorge yourself bucktoothed and cross-eyed at every lousy wax-frostinged office party and odd plate of stale cookies from now until December 31st. With just a smidge of careful planning you might be lucky enough to come down with Type II Diabetes by New Year’s, and fall face-down in the punchbowl when your blood sugar finally plummets. Spectacular. And those zits! That tooth decay! The sullen stare of hypoglycemia. Tout c’est magnifique!

3. Admit it: simple Christmases are booor-ing. So let’s be sure to keep those expectations sky-high, people! Think of how much more everyone will love you for hosting the brunch, the cookie exchange, the candy-making party, the dinner, and the sledding get-together by the lake with the string quartet, not to mention the 20 square feet of taffy you stayed up for 72 hours just to pull by hand. It’s so worth it, and if you don’t do all this, everyone will see what a boring old Grinchy poo you really are. Time to make tinsel by hand! Your job, family, and carpal nerves can totally wait. Insanity NOW!

4. Say yes to EVERYTHING. Every invitation, every event, every gala fundraiser, every can’t-miss charity auction. Every bake sale, cocktail hour, family fun night, dance, carnival, singles mixer, play date, blind date, sporting event, phone-a-thon, church supper. Every last-minute get-together, unplanned pregnancy, vasectomy, 10-day in-law visit, cross country move. If you don’t, you’ll probably end up on the express train to hell wearing gasoline underpants.

5. Stay right on the surface where it’s shiny and cool. You heard me. Think a lot about your nails, or how awesome it would be if the freaking Cowboys won the pennant. Or the Super Bowl. Whatever. The point is: avoid thinking about what you’ve accomplished in the last year, or about what you would like to have happen in your life in the next. Please don’t think too much about your connections to other people or what sorts of relationships you’d most like to cultivate. That kind of stuff is for morbid fuckers who think too much and probably don’t dress well. Like really!

And definitely don’t pause for a moment to consider what brings the most light into your life, or about what the things you most need to learn; that enlightenment crap is for people who have bad hair, and your hair always looks super sleek and hott. Yah!

By following my simple dingish Dao, the most assured ruination of X-mas shall be visited upon you with a quickness.

With a quickness, indeed, my friends, with a quickness indeed.