Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr Ding,

Is it okay to live with my husband after our separation because neither of us can afford to move. I don’t have a car or a job and he babysits the kids sometimes when he remembers to come home from the bar. Any advice you have would be helpful.

Thanks, All Brokeup in Baltimore

Dear Brokeup.

Holy crap is your life ever fucked up. I mean….wow. Let’s review:

• 1. You’re separated, with two young children.
• 2. You can’t afford a measly $39/day U-haul.
• 3. No car, no job.
• 4. Hubby is a boozehound with incipient pseudo-Alzheimers. Or, alternatively, an asshole of truly epic proportions.

I’m also presuming you have no one to help you with babysitting or respite care (such as, oh I don’t know… the local YMCA, a friend, a relative, any number of social service agencies), have two broken legs, and lack the ability to take public transportation or ride a bicycle in order to go looking for a job. No? Massive brain damage, then, or some kind of debilitating palsy. No? Hold the weddin’! I think I’ve got it.

See, Brokeup, you’re not really writing me in order to ask permission to live with your husband until you get your life sorted out.

You’re asking Dr. Ding for forgiveness.

You’ve already made your decision. Otherwise you wouldn’t be writing me asking if it’s ok. You’re like the co-worker who once put Dr. Ding on the Holiday Party Happy Fun Times Committee sign-up sheet and asked me if it was ok only after the boss had approved it. In other words: it’s a done deal.

So. Your immediate problem isn’t what you believe it to be, for you can easily go donate some plasma a few times and scrape together that $39 for the U-haul. Moving out isn’t the issue.

Your problem is that you THINK you have no other options, that you’ve essentially got to sit there on your ass and wait until Fortuna turns the wheel of the seasons and you’re suddenly, magically, living in a tidy condo, the kids are on the honor roll, and you’re at a job with health insurance and a 401K. But life ain’t like that, darlin’. You, Brokeup, despite how helpless and confused you might be feeling, need to think of your children first. What’s best for them? They are the voiceless and the powerless in this situation, not you. You’re the adult. You may not feel like one, but you need to get those ovaries in gear and take action.

Being around a drunk/hungover/unpredictable parent isn’t good for your children. Having a mother who sits around and wrings her hands while bemoaning her jobless state isn’t good for your children. Watching the kind of dynamics you’ve got going in your household is just plain bad for your children, period. So here’s Dr. Ding’s list of things you need to do before I “forgive” you.

1. Get a freaking job. Any job. Just get one, stat.
2. Get some childcare, pronto. See aforementioned suggestions.
3. File for divorce so you can at least become child support-eligible.
4. Rent that damned $39 U-haul and get out.
5. Go to Al-Anon for support, and send the kids to AlaKid or AlaTeen.
6. Ask for help. Accept help. From people. Oh, and swallow your pride.
7. Eventually, get psychotherapy so you can figure out why you engage in self-defeating actions, relationships, et cetera.
8. Family therapy to help the kids process the effects of a) parental alcoholism b) the divorce and c) your very unhealthy male dependence.
9. Your children will need more attention, reassurance, and nurturing than usual right now. Get to it, even if you don’t feel confident. Fake it.
10. Stop expecting men to take care of you, especially unreliable drunk men.

It’s not up to Dr. Ding to forgive you, Brokeup. It’s up to you. And if you can’t, well….maybe it’s a sign that your current course of action isn’t what you know to be right.

You may want to ask yourself the following tough questions while you’re taking the bus to waitress at Village Inn and kicking yourself for wasting the last several years in an emotionally abusive relatoinship:

• When did I stop listening to the longings of my heart? To my own wisdom?
• How can I be of service to my children?
• What am I called to be in this life?
• What is my true nature?

In the meantime, Dr. Ding admires your writing in and daring to risk my ferocious insights. You’re in a really difficult situation, but….remember…. if you can countenance the feedback here at AskDrDing, you can face LOTS worse! Lots. Trust.

Here are a couple pics of my current favorite goddesses du jour, Quan Yin and Kali Ma. You may wish to lease their strengths, which is one of the nice things about having some sort of Higher Power at work in one’s life; you can borrow or rent as needed the selfless bravery, the compassion, the clear-sightedness, and the demon slaying-type mental strength required to ride hellbent-for-leather out of that god-forsaken swamp that is your marriage.

Get your ass out there, Brokeup. Every morning, look yourself in the eye, dust yourself with some fricking drag queen glitter, straighten up those shoulders and march into your life thinking “I am fantastic. Knockers up!” You’re stronger than you know, you know? I mean…you live in Baltimore, fer Girljesus’ sake! That’s one tough town. Put the dithering aside for another day, and work on getting the fuck outta Dodge. You owe it to your children, and you owe it to yourself.

Please keep us posted. Dr. Ding wants to hear the successes as well as the problems.

And that, dear friends, concludes my gentle missive.