Ask Dr. Ding

Many people do not know how to have a breakup. Being the keen observer of human relationships that she is, Dr. Ding in all her dingish glory is about to unfurl some serious knowledge.

1. Don’t call the other person repeatedly. Even if you think they’re going to really need that $0.69 toothbrush. Even if she left her favorite Hello Kitty thermos. Even if he still has a half-eaten bag of pork rinds sitting on your counter. Just don’t.

2. Trust Dr. Ding. Trust.

3. Don’t stalk. It looks desperate. That, and, well, it’s illegal. Plus, it takes up a LOT of time. Time that you could be spending sitting in a bar, weeping into your overpriced drink. See #7.

4. Don’t do the Drive By. It isn’t as desperate-looking as it is just pure fucking crazy. I mean, what are you going to do if you accidentally run into him? Or over him? “Uh, hi, yeah. Good to see you again. I see you’re still not using weedkiller. Hmmm. Well, I’d better be leaving. I’ll call 911 when my cell signal hits 3 bars at the end of the street, ok? Bye now.” Yeah, that looks normal.

5. Remember one word: dignity. You need to try to refrain from begging, yelling, screaming, cajoling, pleading, and carrying-on in general. No whining “But you said you loved me! We were going to run away to Overland Park, Kansas and open up a Gap store together. Waaaah!” when you see her at Starbucks, moments prior to throwing yourself into a heap by the biscotti.

6. If you decide to do a Stuff Exchange, and if there’s been some really ugly scenes already, do it in a public place where you’re more likely to keep from a) dissolving into unsightly tears, b) vomiting at the very sight of your former beloved, or c) flying into a shrieking rage, cracking the end off a bottle of whiskey that just happens to be handy, and bellowing “I’ll cutcha! I do it. I’ma cutcha good!” Again, see #5.

7. Be careful about your health. Although nightly Gin Rickeys followed by tequila shooters may seem like fantastic substitutes for rollin’ in your sweet baby’s arms, after about a week it’s hell on the liver, not to mention your wallet. Barbecuing your lungs might feel great while you’re downing these homemade Valium tonics, but again, after about a week it’s tough to stop. Give yourself a night or two of crying in your scotch, and then get back to reality. Being a malodorous drunkard may look cool from where you’re sitting in your beer goggles, but it isn’t likely to get you a date with your next Mr. or Ms Right. Excess drinking (same goes for any illicit drug use) will also tend to screw up the grief/healing process. A lot.

8. Give yourself somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 weeks to 6 months to be a total pain in the ass to all your friends. It’s going to take that long to process your grief, depending on how close and how lengthy the relationship was. A marriage or live-in relationship may take closer to a year, possibly up to two years, to fully process emotionally. Psychotherapy speeds things up a little, but plan to monopolize a few conversations. It’s okay. Everybody is allowed to be a hollow-eyed emotional mess during a breakup. Psychotic? No. Utterly crazed and homicidal? No. But disheveled and bloodshot? Wrinkled and emotionally needy? Hells yeah.

9. Recognize that no matter how swell and neat your relationship may have seemed, this was not the right person, and, perhaps more importantly, that the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person. It may seem like you’ll never love again, that you’ll never find your soulmate, that love hath eternally forsaken you. Thou. Whatever. These thoughts are just part of the grief process. Observe them and let them go.

10. Don’t jump into your next relationship. You may be feeling as horny as a cranky goat, but remember that your judgment kinda stinks at the moment. Spend a little time thinking about What Went Wrong, and be sure to own up to your part. Even if you were with a narcissistic sociopath who used and abused you, you have to ask yourself why this was ok with you, and why you stayed as long as you did. Invariably there is a dynamic in place that needs to be avoided in the future.

11. Make a list, while you’re still hurting/seething/brooding, of all the characteristics you most value in a partner. Leave no stone unturned. Even the part about them having to find the musical stylings of early Barry Manilow every bit as compelling as you do. You can use all that emotional rollercoastering to drive your developing clearer sight into who you really want to attract.

12. Now is a good time to get back in touch with people/things/interests you may have put on hold during your relationship. It will make the loneliness more bearable, and no matter how horrible you feel inside, it shows you as well as others that you’re getting on with things and living a rich and full life. Even if rich and full translates into taking Microwave Cookery 101 at the local free university and/or alphabetizing your spice rack.

13. Try not to wear your pajamas in public. And NEVER to work. Sweatpants are ok, but: anything flannel on the lower half of you is right out.

14. Acceptance. It’s a major part of dignity. Notice this post isn’t about whether or not to break up, or nice ways of saying Hello, I’ve Moved On. It’s really about coping with loss, and a gigantic part of that is acceptance. Once you move through the shock, bargaining, anger, and sadness, you will probably accept your situation a lot more easily. And of course, there’s no right way to do all this. Sometimes acceptance of the breakup has to come first because the other person has moved, or died, or gone completely incommunicado. Tough stuff, but allowing your feelings to flow and ebb will eventually bring you through to the other side.

15. If it seems that you’re not coping or functioning particularly well (see #13), consider getting some professional help. If a breakup is painful or sudden, it sometimes can prompt a trip into a depressive or anxious mood disorder, which needs to be dealt with before grieving can move into acceptance. Check out the American Psychological Association’s website at http://apa.org for some good resources. If you click on Find a Psychologist you will be directed to several ways of finding a shrink.

You’re not alone. Right now someone out there is playing bad 80s power ballads on the stereo while staring mournfully into the abysmally black 2 a.m. night sky, wondering if they will ever find someone as awesome as you. In fact, probably several someones. The Lords of Kobol won’t close a door without opening a window. Pray a little bit to the Inner Silver Go-Go Boots of Girl Jesus and see what miracles might be in store for you and your ass.