Ask Dr. Ding

Dr. Ding cannot tell you the number of times she has been in conversation with seemingly evolved, intelligent, and insightful people only to hear them powerfully negate their very desires.

“I want to go back to school, but I’d never make it with my lousy grades that last semester, and besides, it’s too much work.”

“I should have left this job years ago. Now it’s too late to find a new one.”

“My dream is to live on the West Coast, but it’s too expensive and jobs there are hard to get.”

“I’m lazy and good for nothing.”

What you repeat, you become. There’s an old Daoist saying that goes: Be mindful of your thoughts, for they become your actions. And be mindful of your actions, for they become your character. And be mindful of your character, for it will be your destiny. So, if you’re telling yourself that you’ll never amount to much, or that your life is pretty much locked into an immutable set of circumstances, then you can pretty much expect these very things.

In modern life and in the U.S., we can be very thankful that we’re no longer mired in a formal class/caste system with rigid social rules and mores. However, lots of folks construct equally if not more binding mental rules for themselves, without realizing that the seeming deadends in their lives are in fact self-imposed.

If you tell yourself something is true, it will likely become so. If you tell yourself something is going to happen, it just might. If you tend to try to mentally predict the future, you’ll probably jump to a few erroneous conclusions. If you mistake feelings for facts, you are using emotional reasoning and probably can’t see your life clearly. If you apply labels, they tend to stick.

So, what’s the way away from the Inner Curmudgeon? Heavy drugs? Putting on your PJs and chowing down on gummi bears? Gambling it all away on the slot machines while wearing an “I Luv Bingo” sweatshirt and smoking Capri cigarettes?

Nope.

It’s paying attention to what you’re telling yourself reality is.

Paying attention.

Sure, you can buy some books on cognitive therapy, like Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D. You can talk to a helping professional, or a trusted friend, or a spiritual advisor. These are all good ideas for combatting a tendency towards harsh self-criticism. But ultimately, you have to be the one to pay attention to your misanthropic and grump-inducing thoughts and question them. Test them. See if they hold up to rationality.

For example, if you tend to believe you “can’t” do something. Ask yourself: How true is this? How do I know it’s true? What evidence do I have? How likely is it that this is only 10% true? Are there other explanations? What’s the worst that could happen?

Another idea: if you find yourself using words that denote rigid thinking, try to replace them with something more articulate. Some warning words that may herald distorted thinking include: can’t, should/shouldn’t, always, never, will/will not, have to, must, nothing, no, none, everything, all, awful, horrible, worst, and anything that smacks of a label like “idiot” or “loser” etc. Replacements include: might, might not, am struggling with, doubt, some, partly, sometimes, a little bit, often, occasionally, difficult, challenge, needing more information, etc.

Be compassionate towards yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend. Be rational, test your assumptions.

Pay attention.

p.s. That’s a Medicine Buddha up above. Cool, huh?