Ask Dr. Ding

Dr. Ding would like to get to know her readership a bit better. Although not in any way verified by anything resembling in the barest shred of empirical research, Dr. Ding thinks you can tell a lot about a person by why sorts of non-alcoholic beverages they drink. For instance, I worked with another psychologist years ago who favored store-brand fruit-flavored sodas, but he only drank one per day. Diagnosis: Arrested sexual development combined with distinct cheapskate tendencies.

Dr. Ding herself is a soda junkie, currently favoring Diet Pepsi, Coke Zero, and Diet Dr. Pepper during the day, Diet Mountain Dew during long road trips, and Diet 7-Up in the evenings. I also enjoy diet orange soda when I’m feeling nostalgic, and diet rootbeer in bottles. The new Diet Pepsi “Jazz” flavors are pretty good, but easy to burn out on. Diagnostic impression: Personality Disorder with an underlying lack of nicotine, resulting in a substitution of other psychostimulants. Hey, at least I’m aware of my neuroses even if I choose to do nothing about them.

If you like Birch Beer, you may be secretly Pennsylvania Dutch. If you like Graf’s 50/50 you are probably a closet Luxembourger-American. If you favor Vernor’s Ginger Ale there is no fucking hope for your sorry-ass palate whatsoever because that stuff tastes like the death of dreams, plus old cough syrup.

Dr. Ding’s favorite soda of all time? Tab, the All-Occasion Beverage Unfortunately, it’s very hard to find, so I don’t drink it nearly as often as I’d like to. Diagnosis: Stuck in the 1970s with a penchant for old “Rhoda” reruns; most likely a chronic condition with poor prognosis.

Take my little poll. Come, my pretties, enter the Gingerbread House wonderful world of psychology.

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