Ask Dr. Ding

Given that Dr. Ding has spent the last 72 hours experiencing all sorts of physical pain, ranging from itching-and-burning to throbbing-and-aching, the topic of self-soothing has been on her somewhat addled mind. When I worked in a pain medicine clinic a ways back I had our patients each create a list of comfort measures for dealing with pain flare-ups. Many folks just don’t know what to do with pain, and instead do all sorts of counterproductive things like pretending it’s not there, or taking random handfuls of illicit pharmaceuticals, or just lying around and complaining for years at a time.

Establishing a set of comfort measures gives a person some sense of control over their experience of pain, and can even in many cases actually reduce the pain generators at their origin. Your grandmother probably called these “home remedies.” Here are mine:

1. taking a nap

2. putting on a relaxation CD and breathing slowly to it

3. taking a hot bath or shower with good-smelling stuff like peppermint or lavender; with baths I use salts to facilitate detoxification

4. drinking chamomile tea (actually contains some anti-inflammatories)

5. watching a funny Netflix (laughter produces endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers)

6. getting a back rub from my beyonce

7. using ice or a heating pad, depending

8. using old-fashioned liniment for muscle aches, making a mustard plaster for upper respiratory problems (be very careful with ground up mustard seeds-NEVER inhale directly or put directly on the skin), or a castor oil hot compress for cramps/general inflammation

9. stretching using very gentle yoga-type postures

10. being outside in the fresh air for 10-15 minutes, walking or simply sitting

11. curling up with a nice boring book (preferably featuring cozy murders in small towns and involving either tea or crumpets) and falling asleep

12. lighting a bunch of candles

These are just a few examples. Dr. Ding at times has also found the following to be quite efficacious, albeit somewhat toxic at higher doses:

1. stiff, ice-cold Belvedere dirty martini, up

2. Cuban cigar

3. buying leopard-print pumps at Zappos.com

4. putting on glittery eyeshadow and heading out for frozen margaritas

5. diamonds

What are your comfort measures, my dear darlings? Do share. Dr. Ding is always trolling for new ideas so she can take credit for them in her forthcoming bestselling book, titled “Some People Just Don’t Fucking Get It: the Theoretical Perspectives of Dr. Ding.”

Ta for now!