Who the hell ARE all these reality-TV fuckers?
My God, people.
Dr. Ding is feeling very out of synch with the current public interest in all these Reality TV fuckers.
As near as I can figure, it would seem that nowadays all one requires for fame is the ability to a) look cute or at least conventionally attractive on television, coupled with b) an unimaginatively foul mouth, a whiny, hysterical response to any stressor, or a shockingly misogynist/heterosexist/downright racist/rich-kid bias. Multiply this by c) editing which highlights the most lurid aspects of “b” and top it all off with a liberal sprinkling of d) ridiculously contrived or just plain uninteresting “plot” lines such as Going To The Ren Fest or Heidi Gets Her Teeth Cleaned.
I’m afraid that as a culture, our collectively averaged aesthetic interests right now are swirling in a toilet basin like so much urine-soaked asswipe, held aloft by mindless entertainment diarrhea, and smelling strongly of stale ideas and pathetically simple, stereotyped cliches, perilously close to disappearing from our view as anything recognizably entertaining or meaningful.
The only Reality TV show Dr. Ding wholeheartedly endorses at the moment is Dog the Bounty Hunter. That’s it.
“What the fuck?” you may ask.
Nothing warms my blackened little heart more than seeing a former criminal using his or her power for good instead of evil, and The Dog himself is a truly brilliant psychologist. Dude should have gone to grad school. One part trashmouth, one part big-hearted avenging angel, he brooks no crap from his bounties, but he honestly seems to care deeply about what happens to them, and offers them some truly powerful solutions for their near-catastrophically fucked-up lives. Strong medicine.
Some day Dr. Ding will post more on her hero, Dog Chapman, but frankly this post is all about excoriating Reality TV and not extolling its virtues, so it’s gotta wait.
Anyway.
Dr. Ding wants to have a show of her own, called “Dr. Ding Fucking Kicks Metaphysical Ass.” It would be a combo Ghost Hunters-meets-Dog The Bounty Hunter, with dialogue supplied by Joss Whedon, the genius behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly. The premise? Dr. Ding against the badasses of the spirit world. I’d get to say lots of snappy stuff like “Don’t get all wiggins on me, you insane incubus troll!” right before I’d yell some Japanese cursewords and open up a big ole can of whoopass. There would be lots of action slo-mo shots of me performing perfect roundhouse kicks and using my glittery pink nunchaks against creatures that are only visible when using the infrared lens. Oh yeah, baby. Get ready! Ki-Ai!
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
See, the whole deal is that Andy Warhol promised that everybody could be famous for 15 minutes. (Actually, what he bet Richard Nixon was that everybody could be famous for 18 minutes and 20 seconds, which is the length of the original version of Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant.)
Nixon lost the bet, which near as I can tell was on Super Bowl XIV, Warhol being from PA and Nixon from CA.
Since then, the full power of the federal government has been behind expanding the Death Star so that there will in fact be 500 channels and nothing on (Springsteen being from NJ, which is adjacent to PA), but someone has to star in the nothing (Jerry Seinfeld having set the example)…so the promise from the dead president to the dead artist can be fulfilled.
Hey, it’s better reasoning than los federales usually use.