Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding:
What is the best way to tell someone that they are driving you crazy and that you need them to stop doing something? I have a relative I’m close to and who I hang out with a lot, who ends every sentence with “but what can I do?” or “nothing anyone can do about it, that’s just life” whenever we talk about her bratty kids or her lazy husband or her abusive boss. I don’t even know where to begin with this. I love her dearly but I can’t take this.

Pissin’ Cousin

Dear Pissin’:

Here’s the thing. This is a Huge Fucking Secret. Not the one with the cheesy wax seal illustration on the front called The Secret, but the real kind. I’m going to give it to you straight up, no chaser.

People don’t want to change.

There, I said it.

And ya know what? We can’t make them change. Even if they give us juicy, faux-helpless, “Po lil ole me, ah jes cain’t do nuthin’ right!” lines like your passive-dependent cousin, ones that seem to churn up maternal, caretaking, rescue fantasy scenarios deep within us that we can somehow, in some great and heroic way help them become less doormatty.

We’re just not that powerful. Not you, not me, not Oprah. Trust.

Your puling cousin probably feels the way she has allowed others to treat her is quite normal and in some way safe, and is looking to you for validation of these unfortunate choices. Your instinctual disgust at her seeming acceptance of the shittitudinous behavior of others is healthy and in fact should be shared, just as you said it here. You can briefly explain that you care about her and that it pains you to see her so beaten-down. You know the words, and you certainly don’t need my permission to say them. But what you do need is a strategy for dealing with what happens in your relationship after this conversation, because chances are excellent to outstanding that she just doesn’t want things to be any different, despite her complaints and your best efforts.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have, but if indeed you value your connection with her, you may need to take a time-out to as to preserve your sanity. It’s quite maddening to be around folks who don’t care much about themselves, and who deliberately engineer their life circumstances so that this poor relationship with themselves can persist, with minimal alteration. But…. you don’t have to be a witness to her idiocy. Take a break. Tell her you feel you need to be around people who can take responsibility for themselves and their circumstances in a more healthy way.

Your cousin may be absolutely shocked to hear that she sounds so sick when you tell her how much her behavior is affecting you, which would be a great moment to suggest counseling or psychotherapy, but don’t hold your breath that she’ll suddenly snap out of a lifetime of being everyone’s emotional punching-bag, all bushy-tailed and insightful and courageous, and say Oh Golly Yes, I See Where I’ve Got To Change I’ll Make An Appointment Immediately. She’ll probably be stunned and may express some hurt or irritation at what she will misperceive as a lack of support. Be prepared for this, possibly by wearing shoes with excellent traction so you can make a hasty escape if the situation warrants. I recommend these for those times when you need to look stylishly confrontational but also need solid foot-speed. Dr. Ding can attest to their awesome power. But back to you, Pissin’.

Another fairly livable solution is to insist you not talk about certain subjects with her until the day comes when she grows a set and quits whining. Just declare her victim stance off-limits, change the subject, get off the phone, get up and pour yourself a bourbon. Whatever. You didn’t cause her poor self-worth, but you have Dr. Ding’s 100% permission to no longer enable it by allowing her to polish her martyr’s crown when you’re together.

Some folks are perversely proud of all the horrid interpersonal manure that gets heaped upon them due to their utter lack of self-respect. They falsely spiritualize it, by telling people that they’re just trying to be a good Christian/Muslim/Buddhist/Yogi and that this is their lot in life/cross to bear/Dharma/karmic debt. They will then rationalize, explain away, justify, and intellectualize that it’s all just fine, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This particular form of self-inflicted suffering is an awesomely effective way of avoiding living a fuller, happier, riskier, more meaningful and possible lonelier life, and it is fantastically addicting.

So as for you, Dear Pissin’, if you like to sit around and listen to your cousin bitch about her non-Ricky Martin-style vida loca, then you may be riding in the caboose of the Crazy Train she’s driving (and by this I want you to understand I am not accusing you of biting the heads off of bats or of having continual mini-strokes on your own reality TV show, but I am accusing you of possibly secretly enjoying your cousin’s train wreck of a life and finding yours superior in comparison). Is that a trip you really want to take as often as you have been? Why not figure out why you’ve been spending so much time with someone who is so very negative and unrelentingly self-defeating.

You might ask yourself why you’re allowing yourself to be distracted from your sacred and holy life purpose by whiny-assed pukers who aren’t interested in personal responsibility.

And I’m spent.