Friday Diatribe
Dr. Ding is going to begin working for a franchise of Old Peeps homes within the next couple of weeks. In the course of researching said home(s), the following facts were discovered regarding the various amenities available:
1. Homemade ice cream parlor
2. Beauty salon and barbershop
3. Country store
4. Computer room
5. Gazebo
6. Library
7. 7-passenger mini van
8. Health services
9. Occupational therapy
10. Church services
They also have a state-approved evacuation plan, an emergency on-call system, a backup electrical generator in case of power failure, several lounges, an activity room (shuffleboard! canasta parties!), dining areas, and are within 5 minutes of restaurants, theaters, malls, and sporting events such as horse racing. Sign me up!
Does your apartment complex or current living situation offer even half of these amenties? I mean sure, my complex has the ususal stuff like a pool, a gym, a movie theater and a place to send faxes and check email, but we certainly don’t have a goddamn ice cream parlor or 7-passenger party bus! My god-if this is where I’m going to end up some day, then I want to begin aging as quickly as possible, starting right this second. These oldsters have it going on! I’m going to start smoking American Spirits (less tar, more wrinkles), drinking a cup of bourbon in the morning, and staying up late to fret about work. I think that ought to get me there inside of about 7-10 more years. I can’t wait! My only regret is that I didn’t find out about this sooner.
If you would like to embark on my newfound life mission of retiring to a social paradise of quality ice cream eating, gambling, gazebo-sitting, nonstop partying, and road trips, just let me know, and I’ll get us a spot reserved. Of course, we’re all going to have to work triple overtime every week and probably have a couple-three heart atacks during the next 7-10 years in order to afford all this, but then again, that’s the whole plan anyway! It’s a beautiful thing. Get yourself a good defibrillator and let’s have at it!
Who’s with me?
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
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