Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding:

What is it about me that drives men away? I’ve never had a relationship last more than 6 months, and they all seem to end the same way; he tells me it’s not me, that it’s him, and that he’d like to just be friends. I just don’t get it.

My friends all tell me that I’m attractive and that I have a good personality, but that I just haven’t met the right person yet. I’m a professional, I work hard at my job and have nice things, so I know I’m not a loser. I’m a good person. But…I’m 29 years old and don’t want to be alone forever. Help.

Sad Downtown Girl

Dr. Ding sez:

Oh, Girl.

I’ll get right to the point; you’re confusing your self-worth with your external qualities, and your relationships are suffering as a result. You discuss external things like attractiveness, professional status, hard work, and having nice things. You describe your personality, the only internal characteristic mentioned, the only thing remotely close to your spirit, your essence, the very core of your being, as “good.”

Good?

You know what sorts of things are good? Dogs. Dogs are good. “Good dog!” we say when Fido sits prettily for a treat. “That’s a good puppy!” when they manage to poop outside. Other things that can easily be summed up by this word include: a suit, a pair of shoes, jewelry, hair, and possibly a meal. Things can easily be described as good, but people are so much more. You are so much more.

How long have you been trying your damndest to not be alone, to win people over, to work the hardest, to have the latest purse or furniture or hairstyle? How long have you been worrying about being good enough in others’ eyes versus following those glittery, multicolored threads that weave that mysterious tapestry of your soul? I happen to think you’re on to yourself regarding this whole relationship-driving-away/fear of being alone thing. You haven’t spent enough time making yourself happy and reflecting on what you deep-down really think of yourself.

We get a fair-sized chunk of our self-esteem from our accomplishments in life, from the raises at work, from the finely-played frisbee toss, from being able to speak three languages or discern chardonnay from cat piss. But guess what? You can do all that frisbee-tossing and Mandarin-speaking until you’re the perfect shade of Cerulean blue, and it won’t make a damn bit of difference unless underneath all those things you have some sense of yourself as inherently worthy of love that isn’t tied to those very achievements! Holy Paradox, Batman. Without peaceful acceptance of our own intrinsic self-worth we humans tend to endlessly struggle and worry and fret about what other people think of how “good” we are. Men pick up on this, it’s like a low-frequency electronic signal that buzzes “I don’t know who I am! Don’t leave me so I can continue to ignore my own wants and needs and focus on you you you!”

A radical idea: spend the entire next free weekend in your rattiest jeans, oldest t-shirt, and the shoes you wore to paint the guest bedroom. You may wash your hair, but don’t style it. You can pick only one cosmetic to use. Rent your favorite cheesy movies. Hang out with your most oddball or eccentric friends. Compose a poem. Read something heavy by Hermann Hesse and ponder. Hard. Read something light and fun. Giggle. Dig in the garden. Make an elaborate dessert just for yourself. Treat yourself to dinner. People-watch. Do what pleases you.

In other words, spend some time getting to know the real you, not this other-defined good girl who fears she’s as loser because she isn’t in a relationship. My guess is that you will really like what you find; the real you. And the bonus part? People who genuinely like themselves almost automatically attract others to them who feel the same. The take-home message? Stop trying so hard to be good, spend more time being real. Find out what makes you tick. Enjoy your life, and you will find that life smiles on you.

-Dr. Ding