Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Unsuspecting Reader:

Dr. Ding has some actual knowledge to lay on you. Yes. The kind of knowledge that doesn’t involve diabolical and insubordinate parlor butlers, drag queens, or silky-smooth religious blaspheming. For once.

Today we’re talking about how Dr. Ding thinks you should constantly be offering her a frosty cold beverage to live your life amidst burgeoning social media influences. After drinking two pints of Guiness and having exactly seven semi-coherent conversations with my geek posse conducting a wide variey of controlled studies examining difficulties as well as triumphs involved in navigating the web 2.0 world, I am chock-full of unsupported conclusions fresh ideas.

You know what I think?

You get to set limits on and make decisions about constructing your Social (Media) Life™. This applies to both individuals and groups.

Trust your instincts. They work online and In Real Life.

Constructing Your Social(Media)Life™

Individual Connections

You control the picture, both vertical and horizontal. If somone starts following you on Twitter and they’re following, say a shitload people and are only followed by a small fraction of that number, you do not have to follow them. Usually, that type of ratio bespeaks

• a spammer
• a famewhore doing famewhorey things
• some kind of bot
• a con artist

At least, that’s what it says to me. There are probably more benign interpretations, but I’m choosing to ignore them. I’m a clinician, amemba? Highly trained in positing a fundamental assumption of psychopathology when I skip out the door to greet the world every morning, all fresh-faced and a hey nonny-nonny ho.

You may decide that you will only follow or friend people whom you’ve met face-to-face. Know that this is a perfectly valid choice, and works really well for a lot of people who wish to limit their connections.

Group Connections

If you decide to host a purely social event but don’t want to broadcast your intentions across the intardwebs, consider sending invitations in a more private manner. You might have to resort to relatively more cumbersome or archaic forms of communication like:

• email
• direct messaging
• text
• IM
• phonecalls
• hand-engraved cards on a silver salver

You know, the stuff we used to do before we all developed thumb calluses, RSS parasthesias and Twhirl addictions.

If you’re having trouble dealing with people with whom you first connected really well online only to later find increasingly distasteful or obnoxious in person, you’re going to have to work on the following skills:

1. people-picking (see next section)
2. confrontation
3. graceful egress

And conversely, if you’re meeting lots of people from your social media connections and feeling shunned, you can draw one of two conclusions:

1) you’re violating some important social norms e.g. sexualizing non-sexual discussions, engaging in relentless self-obsession, interrupting, overdisclosing, overposting, unrestrained flatulence, something relating to assless chaps

or

b) it’s just not a good fit, period.

When did being a member of a social media community mean we all had to like each other anyway? And since when are we supposed to say “yes” to everything just because someone wants us to?

Don’t say yes to everyone and every opportunity to connect. Be selective about who you put into your connections as well as about how you relate.

The issue of respectfully releasing a connection that has soured will be addressed in subsequent posts in this series. Also: toxic flatus.

Trust Your Instincts

If you meet another social media user, or hell, just some kinda regular person IRL at an event, gathering, party or meetup, you do not have to “friend” them back if you get an altogether ookey vibe. You do not have to agree to connect with them in any way, shape, or form. Period.

And you do not need to apologize. This goes for everyone.

Dr. Ding has spent a lot of time with criminals as well as lowlifes (not to be confused with lowbrow art aficionados with their hotrods and Tiki parties and kick-ass Fifties wardrobes). A LOT of time. And I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there you would do well to avoid. People who give you that rolling or slightly sick feeling somewhere in your body, usually the stomach or solar plexus. People who just seem to always have an agenda, be it online or IRL.

Pay attention. Your body will often provide you with signals and intuition that your conscious mind will take far longer to process. Think of all this as an early warning system designed to protect you from danger. Learn to listen to and honor your own instincts.

This is all I’m giving you for today. I got things to do. And by this mean assless chaps.

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