Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding,

I am sad to hear of the current lack of inquiries requesting your idiosyncratic psychomological wisdomation on various and sundry issues of the mind, heart, body and soul. I could always use a bit of sarcastic wit directing me to move on, up and forward in the world as you always do.

I have been surfing the web via stumbleupon.com and run across a number of web sites that are dedicated to Scientology. Some of the information that I have found regarding the practitioners of this faith/ideology is a little scary and out there (coo coo for cocoa puffs type stuff), in my opinion.

There is one site in particular that has caught my attention. It is called Ex Scientology Kids. This is a site set up by people who were raised in families that had parents practicing scientology. Some of the stories they write are really amazing to me. Many of them identify that that they have been cut off from contact with all of the family still remaining in the faith because of their choice not to practice the faith.

Do you think this is a real religion? Do you think it is the religion that may be harming these young people or is it the people who are running the churches/organization? I know there have been abusive practices in most religious groups at some time in history because of the person in charge, how they interpret the religious texts and their greed. I know you and I have had discussions about some of the fundamentalist churches in the country that raise huge amounts of money, have gigantic congregations and rich leaders because of it.

Share, oh Dingy purveyor of all that is sarcastic and sardonic. I need to know the GirlJesus interpretation of this situation.

Yours Truely,
Sci-Fi Scared

Dearest SFS:

Dr. Ding applauds your very apt usage of the term psychomological wisdomation. It’s an oft-underused phraseology, and your good efforts are much appreciated. I also am cheered by the investigatory instincts that have propelled you so venture so deeply within the Stygian waters of the Scientology mystery school; one thing this blog lacks is a credible exploration of cults, conspiracies and of course the omnipresent Illuminati.

Upon reading your letter I immediately contacted GirlJesus™ using the Sacred Silver GoGo Boot Signal, and she swooped in to chat while we enjoyed a sumptuous repast of stale almonds and Bud Light. GJ is cool like that and doesn’t expect the traditional nachos/margaritas rituale each and every time. My GJ is an awesome god.

Here is the upshot of our discussion:

1. Scientology was originally developed as part of a plot by L. Ron Hubbard to get laid. I mean, have you ever really looked at that guy? Ugly as a bag of homemade sin. And that yachting cap/ascot combo? Please.

2. Battlefield Earth is the worst movie ever made. Watching John Travolta stomping around like some KISS-inspired rasta drag queen, if not immediately followed up by a viewing of some majorly kickass Sci Fi like Threshold or Battlestar Galactica, will actually make your eyes bleed.

3. Battlefield Earth was a novel by ole L. Ron hisself. It is my contention that no divine founder of any true religion would concoct such drivel unless, well, he was illegally parking his hellship in random foreign ports-of-call and dry humping his own massive ego.

4. Any religion that purports to uphold science, is, by definition not a religion. Science is founded on empirical observation, controlled experimentation, and replication of research findings. Religion requires faith and belief instead of scientific validation or proof. Ergo, Scientology at best could be described as “sorta pseudo-sciencey” or maybe “some kind of -ology” but it is really neither science nor religion.

5. As to the realness of Scientology: it certainly seems to be real out there in Hollywood. But then again, GJ tells me that men wax their junk out there, so honestly I’m not sure how much veritas we can assign it.

6. Gah, I’m still stuck with that whole junk-waxing image. Man, the revelations of the Holy Gospel According To GirlJesus™ really flip my wig sometimes.

7. In regards to your last question: it’s the people under the aegis of Scientology who are causing harm. Scientology certainly advocates the misapplication of psychological techniques and principles (e.g. “auditing”, “clearing”, bastardization of psychophysiological scaling via “e-meters”), but hey — what religion doesn’t feature some kind of psychological intrusion? And further, there are abusive and/or nutjobby people from all walks of life, all creeds, professions, and religious affiliations. So it seems that the extreme cases you noted are probably the result of an interaction effect, such as Morally Defective Person x Scientology = Result.

In conclusion, SFS; there is no reason to be scared because there will always be charlatans. There will always be Brylcreemed-up hucksters in polyester suits portraying rigidity as strength and shilling their convenant with truth writ large to the highest bidder. There will forever be slickly self-righteous hooligans of the spirit trying to separate us from our own individuality and our own sacred truths. There will always be evil disguised as good. There will always be sanctimony and ignorance roaring at redemption and enlightenment.

Except for when the mothership comes to take us all away to fight the evil alien overlord Xenu. Then things will be super-terrific and totally awesome and I won’t have to take those pesky niacin overdoses that give me weeping mouth sores ever again.

Sweet.