Ask Dr. Ding

I’m 23 and work for a Fortune 500 company. My boss is a really great—she hired me fresh out of college with no experience, and two months ago I was promoted. I like the work that I do, so I feel bad even mentioning this, but I really am having a hard time with her lately. She dumps things on my desk at the last minute, calls me after hours to assign stuff, interrupts my work to ask me to do things for her (job stuff), and I feel like I just can’t say no to her. She’s awesome as a person and I admire her professional accomplishments and reputation, but I’m starting to dread going in to work because I feel overwhelmed.

-Unhappy

Dear Unhappy:

You may feel like you can’t say no to Boss Lady, but………..(drumroll please)…….you can. And moreover, from the sounds of it, you’re going to have to learn or else end up continually swamped with last-minute assignments and interruptions while she toddles off for martinis and hot wax pedicures, confident that her hand-picked lackey will handle the important stuff and get paid several thousands of dollars less than she. If you don’t tell your boss where your limits are, nothing will change. Right now, she’s got you trained like CoCo the chimp.

Do you know what one of the most powerful words in the English language is? It’s “no.” I get really irritated with a lot of new-age thought which talks about saying “yes” to the universe as if answering in the cosmic affirmative every single time someone wants you to do something for them is going to get you on the fast-track to Nirvana. Fie on that, I say! Saying Yes to the Universe will definitely get you on the express bus to Ulcerville, Migraine Valley, and Hypertension Junction, last stop, you guessed it, Heart Attack City. And the universe will chug quietly along none the wiser.

In this country we do apalling things to girls. We tell them that it’s just wrong to say no, that it makes them somehow rude or Not a Nice Person, or (gasp!) unattractive. (We do horrible things to boys too, but that’s a different rant.) We somehow allow our young women to grow up thinking that it’s ok and even laudable or heroic to get dumped on at work, to not know how to refuse a request, or to just set reasonable limits on their time and effort. If they do say no, they then feel somehow compelled to explain it anxiously and fall all over themselves in order to justify their seeming rudeness to a bunch of Bennigans-loving middle managers. Bah to that, says Dr. Ding. Once you’re explaining, you’re losing ground.

You’re young. You can start right now. The trick to refusing unreasonable requests: practice until all the myriad and wondrous variations of “Hell, no!” just roll off your tongue. Repeat after me the following stock phrases, and feel free to improvise your own.

“Gosh, I just can’t do that right now.” And don’t explain yourself further.

“I can’t get to that until tomorrow.” Again, don’t explain or justify.

“I’m in the middle of something. Now’s not a good time, but 1 pm is.”

“No.”

“Nope.”

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

“I will do it as soon as possible.” This, of course, may not be until a week from tomorrow, but no one has to know this.

“NO!” This takes practice.

Practice this with a friend if you have to. It will feel odd at first, but keep going. After all, you’re trying to undo a lifetime of behavioral conditioning here! So be patient with yourself. Do a little role-play with your friend, and make sure your non-verbals match what you’re saying. In other words, practice shaking your head side-to-side, keeping a serious expression on your face, and repeating yourself like a broken record until you feel just as comfortable saying no as you do saying yes while grinning eagerly like a trained corporate monkey hoping against hope for a glimpse of nanner puddin’.

Last reminder: you’re not a monkey, you’re a young, ambitious woman who takes on too much and is paying the price. You can learn to take charge of your work life by saying that magic little word. People will eventually respect you for it, and the more you do it, the more polished it will sound to you and to others. And for Goddess’ sake, turn off your damn cellphone once in awhile! This solves a lot more problems than anyone realizes.

No more circus peanuts!