Seriously. I have no idea if/when Jesus is or isn’t arriving. Incidentally, I always picture him in old Birkenstock sandals and some sort of hemp dress getting laughed off the planet due to his poor fashion choices, lack of permanent address, and 1,973-year history of unemployment.
Anywho.
I have come up with a plan to help you, gentle reader, learn how to have a more satisfying life. Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent, a brass-bound careerist or an iBook-wielding cafe-sitting dilettante, read on.
First off, if you’re both a) reading and b) understanding this blog your IQ is probably well above average, which, according to my recent calculations, places you somewhere in the upper 16th percentile of intellectual funtioning at a minimum. Therefore, you are most likely getting your tasks accomplished too quickly thus leaving you with lots of time to sit nervously waiting for someone to slap more work on you. Ew! Dr. Ding shudders at the very prospect. The solution? Simple.
You must learn to look busy.
Case in point: in graduate school there was a young woman in my program who was never seen without a clipboard stacked with sheets of paper, a full messenger bag, and hard-soled shoes. She also constantly chewed gum and had a pen behind one ear. She had to consult a very thick day planner for the most mundane of activities, such as lunch. Let’s review her strategy: the clipboard and bag gave the impression that she was both organized and on her way somewhere, and the hard-soled shoes gave off a very terse click-clack that somehow sounded very brusque and busy, and when accompanied by the gum-chewing and ear pen, the overall impression was that of the kind of news reporter usually seen in old black and white movies, notepad and pen at the ready, poised to dash off in a flash to deliver the story or chase the next one.
The funny part is that my former student colleague really didn’t do a whole lot. But she looked like she was extremely busy and organized and going places, and her research always got approved early and her committee moved her through the program quickly. It was the illusion of productivity as well as activity that got her through.
Think about it, gentle reader. How many times have you ended up getting yet another task launched towards you, another deadline tightened, another request lobbed, simply because someone figured you had too much time on your hands? See, here’s the sad truth. People with average intellect just take longer to get things done, and as a result they look busy. Really, really busy! Harried and overburdened, even. No one asks them to join a task force or volunteer to bring cookies or take a look at this last draft of the proposal blah de blah. Doesn’t happen, everyone knows they’re just far too overworked already.
My point? It’s not enough to tell people you’re busy or overworked-you must show them. And you certainly don’t want to fall into that whole “Work smarter, not harder” trap. Oh no. You definitely want to work dumber. Trust me! Although times have changed and hardly anyone carries clipboards or wears hard-soled shoes, you can adapt. Get some gum, start clacking nervously. Put some change in your pocket and jingleangleing baby! Before agreeing to any dinner/pointless meeting/pile of tasks, whip out your Palm Pilot or Treo and furrow your brow as you scroll through your massive and compacted schedule; usually this action alone is enough to deter your adversary, but if not, say you’ll have to have them get back to you after you’ve attempted to move some things around. Like a few games of solitaire.
You can also set your away message in your email to indicate you’re at a training or daylong meeting and can’t be reached. Visiting a diner and reading a real newspaper I believe constitutes some kind of retro-immersion training seminar, doesn’t it? Sure it does. Encouraging others to make inferences is also a handy way to dispense with unpleasant requests, e.g. “I’d love to come to Parents’ Day and operate the giant Pez dispenser, but well, with everything that’s happened lately….I just can’t right now”-said with a meaningful bob of the head and helpless shoulder shrug. “What’s happened lately” may consist of needing to get home in time to watch The Simpsons or possibly having had a bad cold three weeks ago, but that’s your private bidness.
See? It’s easier than you think. You’ll be free of extra work in a jiffy, leaving you more space and time for that novel you’re working on or your marathon training. Or daydreaming. Or hanging out with oh I don’t know, people or something. I think that hippie guy might even agree with me.
